Yesterday, I took 'stepping out of my comfort zone' to a whole new level.
I did my first group ride yesterday. Well sort of. We started off on the back of a group and dropped off about 10 km's into the ride. It was OK. I felt very, very intimidated by all the bikes and all the lycra. There was me on my lil Fuji with my asics runners and toe strap pedals (very uncool).
I'm not sure that I was really in the right mood to be doing it yesterday. I had a melt down over the past few days. Long story, not going into it, but I was feeling fragile and teary over life in general.
I didn't really understand what we were doing, I just got told to meet Mick at Mooloolaba at 5.30 in the morning. We got our bikes out, and Mick rolled off, I started to follow him then realised I didn't lock my car, so I rode back to lock it. Then fear gripped me, cos I didn't know where Mick was and there were cyclists everywhere. I felt lost and clumsy (it was only my 3rd time EVER on the bike). So I rode up a small hill towards the esplanade in the direction that I saw Mick ride off to and looking around, with the sun directly in my eyes, I thought I saw him standing at the coffee club. I turned around and because I was rolling gently up hill (not a good thing to do) my wheels came to stand still and before I knew what I was doing, I just fell sideways. I couldn't get my foot out of the straps in time to stop myself falling and I came down on my side.
FUCK.
There I was on the ground. With skin off my knee. I could feel the tears of humiliation welling up. Mick rode over to see if I was OK. I just got up and rolled my bike over the road to the coffee club.... to where 100 cyclists were sitting having there pre-ride coffee's. I just wanted to run and hide.
I made a dash for the toilets where I sat and cried like a baby for a few minutes. I felt that overwhelming feeling of humiliation. I shouldn't be there, I wasn't ready for this. But I was there and I had to just suck it up. So I gave myself an uppercut, dried my tears, held my head up and walked to the table to drink my long black. It was OK, my new sunnies looked hot, and they doubled up as a disguise to hide my swollen, puffy red eyes.
If Mick knew there was something wrong, he didn't say much. And so we made some small talk, at which time he informed me that we were hanging on the back of the group ride from Mooloolaba to Caloundra and back. Oh and by the way, see that chick over there (the one with the Australian Institute of Sport all over her kit)..... yep, her.... well, she's the Australian Champion. And she'll be on the ride.
Great.
He suggested we hang in the middle of the group. I steadfastly refused and said I wanted to be on the back where I could drop off at any time. For god's sake, I've only been on the bike THREE TIMES. I'm not comfortable with wheels whizzing within inches from mine.... no way. I was like a fish out of water and I hated the first 5 km's immensely.
After a while, I became a little more comfortable. I was actually beginning to enjoy it and I hung on along Nicklin Way, all the way to Currimundi where we hit a few hills and I dropped off the back. I asked Mick if he was disappointed that I didn't hang on longer and he said that he fully expected us to drop off about there, so I didn't feel so bad after that. So I followed him along the Caloundra foreshore, its quite hilly and I actually enjoy digging in over hills. We went all the way along to Golden Beach and then back along Nicklin Way where the rest of the group (who actually did an extra 10km's than we did) caught us back up again. As soon as I heard someone shout 'keep left', I immediately felt that fear all over again. Of course, they were telling me to keep left because 100 cyclists were about to come whizzing past me travelling at about 55 km's per hour.
I felt like I didn't belong there and I was angry at Mick for taking me when I wasn't ready. Lucky for me he's not that oversensitive and my hostility and annoyance was like water off a ducks back and of course, he practically told me to just suck it up. And that he wouldn't have taken me if he didn't think I could handle it.
Did I mention that the ride was 40km's in total?
Its lucky actually, that I have people around me who have more confidence in my abilities than I do. As much as I am an advocate for stepping out of ones comfort zone, I too sometimes need someone to actually give me a little shove into the unknown. And lucky for me I have several of those people around me on this journey.
So, that was my first group ride. And I won't be doing that particular one again for a while. I've told Mick that his baby sitting duties are officially over. He can go back to being at the front of the group doing 50-60 km's per hour on 70km rides and I'm going to join the local touring club who do rides for beginners, allowing riders to gain experience at a slower pace.
I appreciate his help, but his experience far exceeds mine and I would prefer to just go off on my own and get comfortable and experienced in my own time. Then I'll come back in 6-12 months time and proudly and confidently sit in the middle of group, and hold on for the entire ride.
Until then..... its baby steps.
xx