Doing it Differently

I'm creating a life that is different. There aren't any neon lights that highlight the differences, they can appear subtle yet they are profound and controversial and if some of you actually knew what they were you may call them absurd.  Some of the concepts and ideas that I create my life from are so far outside of this societies model that even I wonder sometimes if I'm a little crazy.  Well, in fact, I believe it might be the rest of the world that's doing insanity and pretending that its normal.

In particular, the relationship that I am co-creating may seem so totally different from the norm that some people will (and do) struggle to wrap their thinking around it.  You see, the thing is - I've done conventional.  I did the marriage, the picket fence, the 3 kids (you know - one for me, one for him and one for the country).  I folded someone else's socks and tasted Vanilla every single day, thinking that that's what its supposed to look like.  I would ask myself - Why aren't I happy?  I have the perfect life.  So why on earth am I so desperately unhappy?

The less evolved me of a couple of years ago (or even 6 months ago if I were to be truthful) would try to have you believe that it was my ex husband's fault.  There are many aspects of who he is that didn't work for me and vice versa.  Does it make him wrong?  No.  Does it make me right?  No.  Does it make us different?  Yes.  Does it mean he's not good enough?  No, in fact he has found someone who loves him for who he is and who doesn't make him wrong for it.  Does it make me not good enough for him?  No - Although, I'm pretty sure at this point he would probably still disagree with that.  And that's OK.  I don't need to try to prove to  him anymore that I'm not the arsehole he needs me to be in order for him to continue to hate me.  Perhaps hating me is his way of rationalising what happened.  I don't know.  All I do know is that I am me, with all of my perceived imperfections.  The other thing I know for sure is that through every choice I've ever made, through every tantrum, outburst, projection, justification and every single tear I've shed I've constantly asked of myself - how can I be better?  How can I be more?  How can I continue to grow, evolve, change and how can I be a better version of myself today than I was yesterday?  If you're gonna hate me and judge me for that, then.... well.... fuck you, really.

For a long time I made myself so so wrong for not being able to do it the way I was supposed to.  I told myself that clearly I just suck at doing relationship.  Destined for a life on my own because I simply cannot do it the way everyone else does it.  I thought I was flawed.  I thought there was something fundamentally wrong with me.  And if I were to believe the projections and judgments from others (and I did for a long time) I'd believe that not being capable of doing relationship the way its supposed to be done is an inherent fault and that I was a failure... at life.

Never before did I consider that that inability to conform to societies model of the perfect relationship was in fact a gift to me and to anyone who was willing to come on the journey with me. Beige, Vanilla, whatever you want to call it just doesn't exist for me anymore.  Sometimes the colour and the extreme contrast of tastes can be uncomfortable.  Sometimes I feel scared, sometimes I feel like I want to run away from the uncomfortableness, but mostly I am grateful.  I'm grateful that I have met a man who is willing to firstly acknowledge the possibilities and then explore them with me. Some days I recoil and contract, unsure of where this is taking us and whether I'm willing and capable of going.  You see, in order to do it differently you have to be willing to let go of all control and expectations, of you, of other person and of the relationship. (I KNOW!!! It's really not easy to do for a control freak!)

We try to have Allowance, Vulnerability, Gratitude, Honor and Trust for ourselves and each other.  That's the target.  Allowance for each others individuality, Vulnerability without defense or justification, Gratitude for the contribution we are to each other, Honoring of ourselves and each other in everything we do and Trust that he will always be him and I will always be me without the need to change each other.

Some days its challenging.  Other days its exhilarating.  We tell each other that we love each other but of even more importance to me is the gratitude that we have for the contribution we are to each other's lives.  When it gets hard, when it gets challenging we sit and we talk about the gratitude.  I notice that as soon as we come out of gratitude for each other we begin to judge, conclude, expect and demand from each other.  It gets uncomfortable real quick and it begins to feel like a normal relationship .... Ugh!!

For me receiving and giving gratitude is far more valuable than being told I'm loved.  You can love someone and still judge the hell out of them.  You can love someone and still want to control them.  You can love someone and still demand more from them.  But nothing else can exist in the space of gratitude.  Its blissful and when you are truly grateful for each other without judgment, when you are truly allowing each other to BE, then the vulnerability and the gratitude evokes an amazing energy that surrounds you in deliciousness.  If you've never had sex from that space of total gratitude for the each other then you haven't really experienced the true nature of sexual-ness.  Oh, My, GOD!! (yeah, you want some of THAT, right?)

I'm grateful to be sharing the journey with a man who is willing to go where most won't.  I'm grateful that he trusts my craziness enough to ask the questions and I'm grateful for his vulnerability and for allowing me to have mine.   I don't know where its leading us, but what I do know is that I can never, ever do Vanilla again.... and that's totally more than OK with me.



There’s nothing quite like a thunderstorm to entice feelings to emerge from within.
The intensity of the wind and the rain as it batters the windows reminds her that she is indeed vulnerable
She sits and ponders the search for the woman he fell in love with
The woman whose smile brightened his day and whose enthusiasm for life excited his being
Where has she gone? 
Into the wrongness of herself as she misidentifies the reflection through the eyes of the one who is in gratitude for her.
The illusion of doubt created from her unwillingness to receive that she could in fact be way more than what she has perceived herself to be.
The belief that she is just too difficult for anyone to love.
Yet there he stands. 
Unassuming in all of his strength. He takes her breath away with his presence.
She breathes in his being and is intoxicated by his scent.
She sees the greatness of him and wonders if her integrity can rival his.
The man who has been to the edges of hell, broken and returned with a sense of self and sureness unmatched
Having seen more of the dark side than most could ever imagine, he stands in front of her in vulnerability and with presence.
He sees her. It both frightens and excites her, yet leaves her suspended in unsureness.
Historically lost in the judgment of others misidentified as love.
She knows that she cannot be contained, controlled or bridled
And her resistance to being so, based on past deeds creates confusion in her mind and disharmony in her body.
We create what we believe to be so. 
It’s an illusion. A manifestation created from the belief that all who love her will control her.
The storm has subsided. She returns to the now. 
Her being expanded through the silence of her own company.
The thunder has moved on, bidding farewell from a distance.
The rain continues to caress the earth.
And just like the storm, she knows that this too will pass.
© Nicole Taryn 2014


Kindness Has No Boundaries

For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone ~ Audrey Hepburn

You never really know how the things that you desire and ask for are going to show up....

I’ve spent most of the last few weeks feeling extremely overwhelmed with some realisations and gratitude for how my life has changed since I invited BB into my life.  Just as a side note, BB isn’t his favourite term, he hates been called “the Body Builder” as he is probably the most humble of all who have ever entered the sport which requires a tremendous amount of discipline and judgment.  To be successful you simply have to be self-focused and there’s a fine line that many don’t seem to be able to navigate effectively, between being self-focused and simply being a self-absorbed wanker.   He is proud of his achievements, and so he should be – 3 times Qld Champion and 1 time Australian Champion (OK, so maybe I’m a little bit proud too) however the most endearing part of all that he has achieved in his sport is the way in which he conducts himself with humility and grace.   He has that gentle giant kind of nature where all he really wants from life is to be happy, and he does it without any judgment, projection or expectation of others.  It’s true that I met him on his wind down from a sport that would have required so much of his attention, but I can see that while he enjoys the results of his hard work and is proud of his body, he hasn’t lost sight of the fact that muscles and trophies aren’t the source of his happiness. 

So, here he is in all of his unassuming-ness.  In his presence there is just – space.  He has little judgment and tons of allowance for the people who drift in and out of his life.   With little reaction to those around him, many don’t even seem to notice the magnificence of the man that he really is.   

I spent most of my life trying to work out who I was supposed to be.  I’d try so hard to be whatever it was I thought I was supposed to be that I became miserable and discontented.  Having no real sense of self, I continually tried to be what I needed to be in order to be loved or accepted.  Failing miserably, as I never quite fulfilled anyone’s expectations of perfect daughter, perfect wife, or perfect mother.  I was certainly no domestic goddess.  I parent differently than most, sometimes (ok, a lot)  I’m unorganised, I loathe housework and the washing often piles up for days.  I always felt as though I was a failure in the perfect wife stakes and so after creating a spectacular finale of trauma and drama to end my marriage, I embarked on a mission to finally find me.  I really had no idea.  I felt as though there was no real substance to who I was.  I wanted to find myself - the self that had never ever shown up before.   And I vowed that once I found me, I would never let anyone diminish me.  I vowed that I’d rather be alone than to risk losing any part of myself ever again.  And so I swore myself off ‘relationships’.  

“I don’t do relationships” 
“Nope it’s not for me”
“No thanks, I’m an independent woman.”

And I did OK, I managed to maintain that for the next 3 ½ years. 

Along came BB.  I was drawn in by his unassuming nature, his vulnerability and his ability to just be unapologetically himself.  No ego, no judgment, no need for rightness, no need to prove anything to anyone.  Not long before he showed up, I had made a demand of myself that I wanted more kindness in my life.  I had had enough of allowing myself to be manipulated and controlled by mean and unkind people.  I desperately desired to stop being a victim by my own hand and I no longer wanted to invite anyone into my life who was wanting to control me, change me, sshhh me, diminish me or put me into a box.

I was deeply touched by his kindness and generosity.  I feel it’s important to honour both his kindness and generosity here, as while they are intertwined, they are not the same thing.  He is extremely generous, he makes sure that my kids have proper school shoes when I can’t afford them, he buys them things that they need.  This is his generosity.  And then there’s the kindness.  He encourages them to have a sense of self and to be the best little human beings they can be.  This in itself brings tears to my eyes as I’ve felt all along that I was alone in my desire for them to know they have choice, to know who they are, and to teach them kindness and to care about others.  After seeing my frustration about not being able to get the kids into after school sports because of circumstances out of my control, he simply went and signed them up.  He can’t stand injustice and he saw how I was being a victim of my circumstances and how others were using that to their advantage, giving themselves power over me. 

He very quietly stood beside me and saidenough’

And in that moment, he gave me the most amazing gift of all.  By encouraging me to be more and by allowing me to be me in all my strength, he provided me with the independence I so desperately thought that I was protecting.   And I realised that I never truly had it before, I was still being controlled by my circumstances, still being controlled by the judgements of stupid, mean and unkind people.  The irony hit me this morning of a woman who was determined to never lose her independence by entering into a relationship, who gained not only her independence, but also her sense of self by leaning into a man who, with his own sense of self, provided a safe place.  There is no hidden agenda, he does not wish to control me, change me, manipulate me or diminish me in order to keep me.  He tells me every time I leave the house to make sure I smile BIG everywhere I go.

Some people disguise judgment and control as kindness.  But true kindness is without obligation and hidden agendas are absent.  I recently bought him this ring and had it stamped with the words:"Kindness Has No Boundaries".  Because his kindness truly has no boundaries.  It's just who he is.  And he gives it so freely.  Some people take it for granted, others don't know how to receive it.  I am simply grateful.

I’ve always known that something amazing was possible outside of everything I’ve ever known in regards to relationships.  I just never really knew exactly what it was.   Now I don’t just know, now I’ve experienced it.  Now it’s not just a dream, it’s my reality.  And it’s allowing me to be so much more than I ever thought possible.  


Simply Grateful

So.... he leaves this Sunday.

My kids have seen what its like for their Mum to be treated with kindness.  The magnitude of that has not escaped me.

They've not seen their Mother give and receive affection to a man in the time that I've been separated from their Father.  And the only thing they've been witness to in regards to how a man treats their mum is the hostility and anger between their Father and I in that time.

I've seen the intrigue on their faces at times when his strong arms wrap around me and he looks at me with adoration.  They smile a wry smile, that tells me they are happy to see me happy.

He's the first man in 3 and a half  years worthy enough to be allowed into my kids lives to this degree and its been such a gift for them to see what it looks like when a Man treats their mother with kindness and affection.

He listens intently when they speak.  He allows them space to BE.  They have soaked up his gentle kindness like a couple of little dry sponges.  Its shown them more of what I've been trying to show them - that true kindness exists and it feels good.

Not only have I been shown something different, my kids too have also seen what else is possible.

They know that he may not be back and they are witnessing my willingness to be in allowance for what another being is choosing.  They won't see me heartbroken.  They will see me in awe and wonder of what is possible for him on his journey and what is possible for our little family now.

There are so many possibilities for them to bare witness to, that I'm overwhelmed at the contribution this has been to them.

They gave him a present this morning.  It was a care package that contained the following items: '

A travel pillow (so he can sleep sitting up)
A leopard print eye mask (so he can create darkness to sleep and look a bit sexy at the same time)
A packet of Tim Tams (because you shouldn't leave home without Tim Tams)
A little baby Christmas tree (so he doesn’t miss out on Xmas)
A little Xmas angel (so he thinks of our little family every time he looks at it)
A pocket torch (so he finds his way in the dark)
A little bottle of hand sanitizer (to satisfy his OCD on the plane)
A set of head phones (so he can listen to his music)
Some candy canes (he can never have too much sugar)
And a compass….. so he doesn’t get lost and he can find his way home......

I secretly hope he comes back... and if he doesn't, it will be OK.  I've seen that what I always new was possible actually exists... and then some.