More Photos, Courtesy of Kev

More Photos of Me... Cos it's My Blog :)

My very good friend Kev came to visit me this week. Kev loves to wave his camera around everywhere he goes, and so.... yep, we ended up taking photos of yours truely... Here are some of my favourites..

I'm so vain :))

Soul Freedom

So, its been a lil while since I stopped and did some personal growth type contemplation. I knew it was coming, but to be honest, I've been putting it off.

There are parts of me I'm not particularly fond of. And I'm not talking physical, because of course there are always going to be things to work on there, and my perspective on my body and its perceived 'faults' is so much more healthier and balanced than it has ever been.

No, I mean parts of ME. Like, the fact that I can be very self centred, self serving and sometimes I even put myself before others when in my heart it doesn't feel right. I've found myself driven by my own desires to have certain personal needs fulfilled, however I may have chosen a less than healthy way in which to fill those needs. Having been so afraid of feeling 'alone' or 'not good enough' in certain situations, I did anything and everything to avoid feeling this stuff. I filled my life with so much busy-ness and 'stuff' so that I just physically couldn't stop still long enough to think about what my fears really were.

You see, those fears and insecurities have been there for most of my life, triggered by situations and events from many moons ago. My previous solution to dealing with those insecurities was to simply become fat. Quite illogically I might add. I thought that if I were fat and 'unattractive' then I didn't have to worry about what people's intentions were. Guys talked to me like I was 'one of the guys' and I didn't have to worry about them having a hidden agenda and chicks liked me for who I was also. Lets face it, girls can be very cruel when fueled by their own insecurities and fears of not being 'the prettiest girl in the room'. And so, by being 'unattractive', I didn't have to worry about not being liked by other girls, because I wasn't a threat to them. How ridiculous !! I didn't know how to handle my own attractiveness, and so I took it away.

Over the past 12 months, those safety layers (of fat) have been melting away, leaving me feeling quite vulnerable and exposed. I started running from those feelings by creating chaos in my life. Chaos in many areas.

I'm coming to a better place now, slowly. I'm beginning to loosen my grip a little as I realise that the world isn't going to hurt me unless I allow it to. And at 36 years of age, I am becoming the most comfortable that I've ever been in my own skin. I'm learning to deal with the fact that people might find me attractive but that doesn't mean that they actually want anything from me.

And even if they do, I don't need to give anything of myself unless I chose to. I just simply didn't know how to be me for all of those years.

Its such a slow process and it is kind of 'layer by layer' metaphorically as well as physically. But what an amazing journey it has been so far. I've cried a thousand tears over the past 12 months and I'm finally letting go of some old wounds.

I got told by a very old friend yesterday that for the first time in years, my smile was real. For the first time in years (maybe decades), my smile really was a reflection of my true happiness.

I am smiling because I'm finding freedom from my fears.

xx

Team Name

I'm entering a triathlon as a team with two guys. I need some help with a team name... something funny... was thinking 'Nuts and Guts'..... Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated !!!

I'm still here !!

So, I haven't blogged for a while. I haven't really felt the inclination to do so. How much of "had a swim", "had a ride", "went for a run", "lost 1 kilo"... etc etc can you really tolerate?

Excuse me, but its day 25 of my menstrual cycle which usually means the beginning of me being grumpy, emotional, anxious and down right annoying to be around. Is it just me????

Seriously.... I started my new job at the Body Shop last week. It sounds exciting, but its stock control which actually is not very glamorous at all. Receiving pallets, unloading, unpacking boxes and marking stock off. All very mundane, but the people are really cool and lets face it.... its the body shop!!! YUMMO.

So that, along with my other 2 days a week in admin and trying desperately to step up my training left me feeling very weary, tired and fatigued by the end of the week.

Then I stupidly went on a ride Sat morning with - you guessed it - the guys from the Coffee Grind. I thought, why not, I'm a little tired but I'll just suck it up and get on with it. Long story short - I couldn't keep up. It was a 47km ride (my longest yet - and lets not forget I've only been riding for a month). I averaged about 26km/hr which is in fact half the speed that they are used to travelling..... ppfff.... whatever. Don't offer to ride with a beginner if the pace is too slow. I didn't ask them to ride with me, they offered. (they were secretly annoyed)

Sometimes I feel like everyone's expectations of me are too high. They tell me its because they know I'm capable of it and because they know that I want to be pushed. But seriously, some days being pushed just doesn't feel very nice.

But I can't complain I suppose, because I'm actually very fortunate to have people in my life who are a bar above in regards to fitness. It makes me want to strive more. I have a glimpse of whats possible for me and I get a fire in my belly just thinking about it.

The Funniest Thing

The funniest thing happened to me this morning. My hubby and I spent the weekend in Brisbane City, getting away for our anniversary (child free !!!) .

We stayed in a hotel in George Street across from the Treasury and just minutes from Southbank. Anyway..... I got out of bed at the crack of dawn to go for a run. Here I was standing on the corner in my running gear, waiting for the lights to turn green so I could start my jog across the bridge and into the southbank parklands, when I heard a voice right behind me. "What a nice figure you have". I turned, startled to see a reasonably normal looking man smiling at me. He was dressed as though he was just out for a morning walk. *Did he really just say that?* I mumbled a rather shy and pathetic 'thank you' then turned on my heal and ran (literally) in the opposite direction... I was a little freaked out to be honest. And I heard him yell out "seriously, you don't need to run away, I was just telling you that you have a nice figure!"

I didn't know WHAT to make of it. The city at 5am on a Sunday morning is a little bit of an interesting place to be. There was a body lying on the footpath, sleeping off the night before. There were hoarse, still slightly drunk revellers hovering out the front of the Casino trying to keep the mood going, but failing miserably and succumbing to their fatigue as the sun rose. And here I was in my (lorna jane *preen*) running gear about to start my day with an intoxicating run. I'm sure I looked a little out of place.

Anyway, after I got over it, I realised that THAT was my very first compliment from a stranger. And he didn't even KNOW how fat I used to be !!

So I thought to myself - just take the friggin compliment. Don't question it, don't assume that he was a nutter fruitcake who was about to touch me up whilst grinning wildly and smacking his lips together (geez, my imagination). Just think of him as a regular guy who likes to express himself when he sees something pleasing to his eye.

Weird, but kinda nice at the same time.

x

Run-Swim-Run, Kristin, and New Goals

Yep, its over now. The little goal I set at the beginning of the year is over. Not much to tell really. I arrived at the Noosa Surf Club to all the buzz and excitement. I looked out at the buoys out in the ocean and quietly shit my pants. However, after I got over myself and got into it....I loved it. I found the swim a bit of a challenge (as I suspected I would). I was quite surprised at how the fear of the ocean disappeared and wasn't at all an issue. It was the swell and the salt water and the sweeps that drove me nuts. But I still managed to overtake 3 swimmers who had entered the water well ahead of me, so I guess all those laps in the pool paid off.

Last week I was lucky enough to catch up with the beautiful Kristin and her man, Eric at Coolum. I was so glad we caught up. Kristin works for Ideal Bodies Online and she wrote both my 12 week programs. She has also taken the time to follow my journey over the past 10 months and has left some very encouraging and supportive comments on my blog. Kristin's passion for wellbeing, health and fitness is very inspiring and she has an amazing amount of understanding and empathy for someone of her age. I've also enjoyed following her own journey to her first figure comp. Thanks again Kristin. Its so hard to get started on a journey like this, there is so much to be overwhelmed and intimidated by. With so much weight to lose, I was unsure and fearful but the support and encouragement from people like yourself has been monumental in my journey, so a big THANK YOU !!

So, I don't really have much else to tell. Life is ticking along nicely. Looks like I'll be joining a team entry into a triathalon in december. I'm going to do the run leg. Its a nice intro to triathalons. I want to do a couple early next year, so entering in as a team is a good way to start.

I'm giving some thoughts to future goals for next year regarding my health and fitness. At the moment, I've got a couple of short term goals that I'd like to achieve before xmas.... did you realise its only 6 or 7 weeks away ??????

xx