Christmas didn't really do it for me this year. It was quite perplexing really. I miss the joy and excitement and jovial way in which I used to go about Christmas in the past. I would spend a reasonable amount of time planning gifts, fighting crowds, preparing food. I'd stay up all night wrapping with excitement as I anticipated the joy on my kids faces when they opened their gifts, left for them by a magical character in a red suit.
I used to be in awe of the magic that still surrounded Christmas, even at my age. I would turn the Christmas Carols up and even decorating the tree was a major and symbolic event.
This year was the second Christmas since our family 'changed'. And whilst I instigated that change and whilst I know in my heart that I needed that change in order for me to grow and evolve and discover myself, I still regret that at Christmas time, that feeling of sharing the experience with another person just wasn't there. The sneaky knowing look that you exchange as one of your kids opens a present they have been wishing so hard for and the shared joy in being with your family and knowing that this is where you all belong.
Yes, I miss it. I miss it for the kids. It doesn't feel right to do Christmas like this. Christmas day is supposed to be a happy and joyous occasion, yet so many parents experience the highs and lows of either a morning without their kids or an afternoon of emptiness as the kids venture off to their respective 'other' parent. And it makes me sad that the kids don't get to feel that family connected-ness that I remember feeling as a kid.
When I was a kid, I used to spend Christmas Eve siting out the back with my parents, typically we would have shared a family BBQ which would finish with banana's BBQ'd in their skins, served with ice-cream. I would be perched on my Dad's knee as we watched the sky together waiting for a glimpse of santa's sleigh. I remember feeling over whelming comfort, love and belonging.
This year, I felt lonely. I felt the sadness of not having someone to share it with. I'm not sure why this year was particularly worse than last. I can hazard a guess at the fact that not only has my family 'changed' but also other relationships and friendships that I may have previously depended on have 'changed' also.
This year, I fear that my lack of enthusiasm, my lack of joy and my ba-humbug disposition may have dampened Christmas for my kids. I hope not.
I spent Christmas night (last night) sitting around a table drinking wine, laughing and eating left over Christmas fare with some friends who had all found themselves in a similar situation. Three out of four of us had handed over our kids to their respective fathers. It was nice way to end a Christmas Day that was filled with a certain amount of forlorn-ness.
It's my intention to continue to grow and change and rebuild my life. I hope that by next Christmas, I will be feeling more secure and content in the new world that I've been trying to create for myself and my kids. People told me that it takes approximately 2 years for the dust to settle after major life change. I didn't believe it.
Now, I'd have to say that yep.... Its a two year minimum.
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