Courage for Life ~ Finding the Courage to Create Positive Change

Dedication to the Cause

2012-01-28T13:01:00.004+10:00

Here's a sure sign of dedication for you.

I went to the hairdresser today for the first time since the beginning of September. Money's been a little tight as has time and the little money and time I have had, I've pretty much dedicated to my triathlon....er.....um.....career? (ok, the word career might be a little strong)

Anyhooo.....

So, in my attempts to be fitter, faster, stronger, better, I've neglected my aesthetics. Which might also explain the lack of suitors on the the dating side of things. hmmmm..... food for thought. Perhaps guys prefer "pretty" triathletes. Whatever.

So I finally made it to the hairdresser today. After having the ratty ends copped, the hairdresser finished it off with some straightening iron action.

Curls.

Nice Curls !

It kinda looked something like this (I have no idea who this person is, I pinched it off the net) :

My hairdresser asked if I was going out and I replied "yep, I'm going to a party". And so she gave me new hair and I walked out of the hairdresser (in my riding knicks, runners and sweaty jersey - what? I'd just done a brick session) with bouncy, wavey, shiney, new hairs

I looked pretty (from the neck up)

The Delima :

I have, on my training program a swim set this afternoon at 2pm.

Shit.

Do I:

a) skip the swim session and keep my good hair? After all, there might be a boy at the party who wants to meet a 'pretty' triathlete.

or

b) go for the swim session because I'm a triathlete (albeit not as pretty without the hair). And just do the best I can with whats left of my hair once its been stripped of all bounce and shiny-ness after spending an hour in chlorine????

What to do? What to DO!!??

I'm going for Option B.

Now that's dedication.......

The Dating Game......

2012-01-26T20:29:00.008+10:00

I'm thinking I might start a new Blog entitled "All Men are Arseholes and Deserve to Die".

Ok, maybe that's a bit harsh. But seriously. Where are all the quality men out there?

The thing is, I don't think that the above picture is far from the truth. Especially at my age, everyone seems to have their own agenda. The trick I think is to know what yours is and play the game accordingly.

My checklist isn't THAT long. But it looks something like this....

Personality - meaning, you know HAVE ONE.
Kindness - Not hard, just be kind!!
Compassion - It's not that difficult to understand. But if I have a bad day, just be my friend and I'll likewise be yours.
Funny (got to have the funny, right?) Without the funny, you got nothin'
Considerate - you know, GIVE. A. SHIT.
Preferably tall - I wish I could have a 6 foot minimum, but I think that might be a little unrealistic... :/
Intelligent - And by this I mean ALL kinds of intelligence, not just 'smart' but worldly, emotionally intelligent, and self aware, I enjoy philosophical conversations and I love it when your opinion isn't always the same as mine. Challenge me.....
Financially independent - don't be asking to borrow 20 bucks from me
Personally Independent - Don't be depending on me to entertain you. I have three kids that need me to help them make decisions. I don't need to be your mum too.
And connection.... there has to be some kind of connection.
Oh and one more thing.... don't bullshit me. I'm smarter than you think.

To be honest, I'm not even sure that I want a "relationship". But someone to hang out with would be nice. You know, someone to call when I need a friendly ear. Someone who might actually CARE if I've had a bad day, but who isn't in my pocket. A mutual understanding of friendship that feels a little bit warm and fuzzy but that doesn't interfere with my mission of independence. Hell, I don't even want to see you every day, or even every week, but a phone call every now and then to just know that you're still breathing would be nice.

But if you going to "hang out" with me, I expect a certain amount of consideration and..... gee, I don't know... maybe TALK to me every now and then. Not just when you want something.

If I'm doing something wrong here, just tell me!

'cos this dating game is getting very old, very quickly.

In other news :

I have had THE BEST week of training. Despite having a sooky-la-la couple of days where I've missed my kids and declared war on men and dating, I'm actually pleased to report that it has been one hell of a week for training. There'll be a wrap of the week by Sunday :)

Normal viewing will return shortly......

2012-01-25T19:35:00.005+10:00

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, “Speak to us of Children.”

And he said:

"Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might

That His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;

For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable."

Khalil Gibran

I miss my kids when they aren't here.

That is all.

I'm Hardcore.......

2012-01-24T20:42:00.003+10:00

So, after feeling a little tired and overwhelmed last week, I've hit the ground running this week with a little bit of gusto. Despite the fact that it has been back to school week (with Josh and Jordyn starting a new school) I've actually felt very in control, organised and focused. The key to success is definitely being organised with dinners and lunches etc. Having meals ready in the fridge has allowed me the time to keep the house tidy(ish) and to spend stress free quality time with the kids. I'm finding that even more important these days. I only have my kids for 50% of the time. It makes me sad to be missing out on half of their life. I miss them when they aren't here and the night before they go back to their Dad's, I always find myself getting quite sad at the prospect of not having hugs and giggles for a whole week.

Anyway, lets not digress. Me being a sooky-la-la is a post for another time.

How do I fill my time when the kids aren't here? I train.

This week has started off with a very positive drive. I woke Monday morning feeling less than enthusiastic. I had broken the number one rule for survival and not given myself enough sleep over the preceeding days and woke up feeling tired and lethargic. I took my bike and windtrainer to work and set it up in the gym. At lunch I did a solid session and finished it with a 10min run on the treadmill at race pace. After I was done, I felt invigorated and elated about the session I'd just put in.

Last night I asked my two youngest if they would mind coming to swimming training with me this morning. They both agreed and eagerly woke and got dressed in the morning to land at swimming training at 5:40am (only ten minutes late!) I thanked them for supporting mummy and bought them macca's for brekky on the way to school. I really enjoyed today's swim session. I'm really feeling very confident at how my swimming is improving.

Then, at lunch time today I ran.

If you live in South East Queensland you'll be totally aware of the torrential weather we had today. Flash flooding around the state and particularly on the Sunshine Coast. So I almost ditched the run for a treadmill session in the gym at work, but I really, really, really despise running on a treadmill so I decided to brave the conditions and head outside.

And I'm so glad I did. I was only running for 10mins when a torrential downpour engulfed me. It was beautiful and refreshing and cleansing to run in the rain. I didn't have to dodge any people strolling along Mooloolaba esplanade. The only thing I had to share the path with was a couple of frilly necked lizards who were frolicking in the puddles and making the most of the lack of human presence.

It was another good session, and I felt rather hardcore afterwards, although my legs were feeling a little fatigued and I became aware of the fact that my body was tired. Not the kind of tired you get from over training, but the kind of tired you get from lack of sleep.

So on that note, I'm going to sign off and say goodnight. My kids go back to their Dad's tomorrow. It makes me sad, but I'll be passing the time tomorrow with another windtrainer/run brick session and then I'll be in bed early tomorrow night again in preparation for Stroke and Stride on Thursday.

Night xox

Its not all bad....

2012-01-22T09:25:00.004+10:00

Beautiful morning....

Ready, set.... GO !!

Ins and Outs training ~ 6am Friday Mornings ~ Mooloolaba Beach

Whilst the wheels didn't quite fall off this week, I certainly had some speed wobbles. Or so I thought. But when I take a look at my program, it actually wasn't that bad. I'm 2 sessions down (run and a ride/run) but I actually did an extra session when I attended ins and outs on Friday. So as long as I pull my finger out and do a windtrainer and run (with kids in tow on scooters!) this afternoon, I will actually have had an ok week. I just don't think the intensity was all that great this week. But I'm quite certain that everyone has weeks like that.

As for nutrition......

Its time to really pull my finger out.

I'm going to start writing down what I eat and when. Its the only way I'm going to drop the weight that I want in time for Mooloolaba. I keep saying I want to give it my best shot. In order to do that, I need to be at least 5kg's lighter....ideally 8kgs.

On that note, I still have housework and cooking to do for the week. I've got 2 extra kids after a sleep over last night. My new furniture has arrived and needs to be assembled.....

I actually have quite a big day ahead.

I'm looking forward to next week....

Its not all Shits and Giggles....

2012-01-20T11:30:00.003+10:00

As expected, I’m currently experiencing a momentary week 3 melt down. Well, not quite a melt down but I can certainly feel one coming, unless I take stock right now. And I actually expected it to happen closer to week 4 but I had forgotten to take into account the excitement of back to school.

My two youngest kids are starting a new school. So there are uniforms to purchase along with school books etc. There was a slight panic attack mid week due to the afterschool care facility having a ‘watiting list’. WTF???

All sorted.

The Child Care facility down the road from the school does before and after school care. They drop the kids off and pick them up. Plus it’s a smaller ratio of carers to kids and a smaller facility which will be a lot more congruent with Josh and his ‘anxiety issues’.

I’m tired.

This weekend, is going to require quite a lot of effort and focus on my behalf to get the house in some kind of order, the yard cleaned up and cooking done for the next few weeks to lighten the load. School books need to be covered, uniforms need to be ironed and somehow I need to prepare my children for the fact that we are about to hit the ground running on Monday with routine and structure again.

To top it off, I’m doing a take 2 on my PT Cert III and IV. The course starts next week. So now, not only am I working full time, parenting 3 children and training for a triathlon, I’m also now going to be studying part time.

So you’ll have to excuse me if you visit my home and it’s a mess (more so than usual). You’ll also have to excuse me if I appear to be unavailable. It will probably be that way for at least another 8 weeks.

(There might be an opening for a post about how I fill up my life to avoid relationship commitment in here somewhere.....)

The good news is that from experience, I now begin to recognise the signs that I’m getting overwhelmed and I’m taking action before it engulfs me. This weekend will definitely be a weekend of preparation. Life needs to be organised to a point where it ticks along nicely in order for me to focus on training and my commitment to do my best at Mooloolaba Tri.

These are my new (survival) non-negotiables:

• Got to bed by 9:00pm EVERY NIGHT

• Cook and prepare food for the following week

• Hug my kids every single day and thank them for their support

• Continue to remind my parents of how grateful I am of their support (without them I would only make it to half the training sessions)

• Be organised !!

• Train hard and remain focused

• Be kind to myself when it all gets too much

• Say NO if I need to. (to socialising, drinking and eating shit)

Oh, there’s another little bit of exciting news, in-case you didn’t already know. I’m doing the cycle leg of the Cairns half ironman in June as part of a team. We’ve called ourselves the “Atlas Allstars”. I was heading to Cairns to support many of my fellow athletes who are doing either the half or the full ironman and the opportunity arose to be a part of a team. It will be my first ironman experience and I have to tell you, I’m more than a little bit excited. Doing a half ironman has certainly been floating around in my cerebral space for some time.

There will be more to come on that one.

I'm a Triathlete !! (WTF does that MEAN??)

2012-01-17T22:04:00.009+10:00

CLICK HERE (ITS FUNNY)

Ok, we are only into week 3. There are 9 to go and some of you are probably already thinking you're over hearing about me, my training and how awesome I am. You're probably thinking "Bloody Hell ! Doesn't she talk about anything else ??!!"

Well, not right now..... No.

Why?

Because I'M A TRIATHLETE!!

*crickets*

(anyone who really knows me, will also know that I have my tongue planted firmly in my cheek)

But its become a little bit of a joke between me and my friends and I got to thinking today what being a Triathlete actually means.

To me.

And, so here it is in a nutshell.

Being a triathlete, (or just someone who trains hard and challenges themselves physically) to me, gives me a sense of purpose. I am a Mother. I'm an employee. I'm a friend. I'm currently not anyone's partner, so that's one less "thing" I have to be, but still, I am many things. And most of those 'things' that I am involve a certain amount of giving of myself (no complaints, I love all of these roles and get a mountain of satisfaction, love and friendship in return).

The point I'm trying to make is that being a triathlete is the one thing that requires me to give nothing of myself to anyone or anything but me. I put in, and I get the rewards. No one else benefits or suffers from my efforts but me. I answer only to me. If I don't get up in the morning and train, I'm the only one responsible. If I don't get a PB in a race, its me that holds the answers as to why.

It gives me a reason to get up in the morning, it gives me focus, it gives me drive. It removes me from mediocrity. It makes me proud. It keeps me removed from the person I used to be (fat, unfit, unmotivated and miserable). It makes me feel independent and strong. It fuels my self belief. Its gives me a sense of belonging to a group that gives me friendships and training partners who share in each others achievements. When I'm focused and training and feeling strong and fit, my resilience to everyday stresses is stronger. I challenge myself mentally in every race and most training sessions involve a certain amount of "you can do it" type of internal dialogue.

There have been tears and triumphs. There have been successes and failures. All of which, without triathlon, there would have been none of.

Triathlon means different things to different people. To me, its just become a part of who I am. Right now, its a massive part of my lifestyle and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I AM a triathlete.......

I've hit a snag

2012-01-15T21:34:00.003+10:00

Ok, so the cramping thing hasn't gone away. I hit a snag this weekend with another cramping episode.

I was pumped when I got to the pool on Saturday afternoon. I'd had such an awesome week of training and everything was going to plan. After a great 65km ride yesterday morning, followed by the most comfortable run off the bike I think I've had to date, I was feeling pretty geared up to continue the roll I was on into the pool that same afternoon.

Knowing that I'd had a big week of training by my standards, I was aware that the swim set was a recovery session and that I was going to pace it out because of my shoulder. I was delighted that my shoulder had survived the entire swim set without me having to pull the pin. I was still feeling strong and was on the last build lap, ready to turn to do my very last hard 25m before the cool down and as I went to turn..... BANG! It got me AGAIN !

BLOODY CRAMPS !!!

It started in the adductors....

And then spread to the calf.......

Needless to say, I didn't finish the last lap. I could barely get myself onto the pool deck.

When I woke up this morning to go for my epic ride from Mooloolaba to Noosa and back, my legs were so sore and fatigued that I decided I just wasn't going to risk it.

I had myself a massage instead (which hurt like buggary, just quietly) and despite some lingering soreness my legs feel considerably happier with the current state they are in.

Project Cramp Prevention will consist of the following :

Daily stretching
Daily magnesium intake
Increased protein intake
No sugar or alcohol
Clean eating
ENOUGH SLEEP !!

And on that note, I'm going to lay my weary head on my pillow and say goodnight.

Week 3 begins tomorrow night with a windtrainer session...

Winning !....Oh, and some eye candy :)

2012-01-14T12:40:00.005+10:00

Today's blog post actually has absolutely nothing at all to do with Courtney Atkinson. I just thought you might like some eye candy.

I'm buggared so I'm going to keep this brief.

Today, despite a huge week I feel like I'm winning on so many levels. Training is going well. I'm so ridiculously focused that I'm not sure I recognise the person in the mirror. I've had a great week and have had a shift on a couple of levels that have seen me relax even further into my world. I've come to a point where I am finally feeling free, independent, resilient, focused, capable and at peace.

I still have 2 more session left this week. A swim session this afternoon and a long ride tomorrow.

I've had a weekend of good company, training, dinner with friends, redefining friendships, letting go, breakfast by the beach and laughter. I'm blessed beyond belief.

My consistency with training is paying off. I am training smarter than I ever have before. Building strength slowly and consistently so that I can build and maintain leading up to Mooloolaba. Despite the need for constant attention and treatment, my shoulder is surprisingly feeling stronger. I'm still teetering on the edge of disaster if I push it too far, but I'm listening to my body and training smart.

I still, however, need more sleep..... :)

PS - I declared today that not only am I going to PB Mooloolaba, I'm going to blow my time out of the water....

Exhausted

2012-01-11T20:08:00.001+10:00

8 km negative split run today.... yes, it was hot.

Not much else to tell really. Tomorrow morning is a swim session and the afternoon is supposed to be a track session. I'll be hard pushed to make it as the session starts at 5. I don't finish until 5:15 and its a 15 minute drive. I'll have to try to do something on my own. Its a damn shame because track is where I'm going to make most of my improvements.

Right now, I'm going to bed. I'm buggared.

Kids have gone back to their dad's for 7 days. Now's when I really turn it up.

x

Time to Sleep !

2012-01-10T19:32:00.004+10:00

"What we have is based upon moment-to-moment choices of what we do. In each of those moments, we choose. We either take a risk and move toward what we want, or we play it safe and choose comfort. Most of the people, most of the time, choose comfort. In the end, people either have excuses or experiences; reasons or results; buts or brilliance. they either have what they wanted or they have a detailed list of all the rational reasons why not." ~ Anonymous

The Sunshine Coast University has a new pool !!

50mtrs and crystal clear. Was a very nice swim this morning in this heat. However by the end of the main set, my shoulder was beginning to let me know that it had had enough. No point trying to smash it up on the first week, so I donned my fins to finish the set then did some easy kicking before pulling the pin. I like swimming, especially squad training. I reckon I could be an alright swimmer if my shoulder would just allow me to push my current level a tad. But, if there is just ONE thing I've learned from this triathlon game its that it doesn't happen overnight. It takes time to build strength and consistency to maintain it.

One training session at a time.

As for nutrition today? Not too bad, although I still haven't learnt that I need to be in bed by 8:30 pm when training every day. Training, working and being a mum on 6 hours or less a night is a recipe for disaster and sure failure in my goals. When I'm tired, my body screams for carbohydrates which is exactly what happened today. So, I'm posting early and going to bed very soon!

Nice run tomorrow afternoon, I expect the heat is going to be a pleasantry.... NOT.

Boo Yah !

2012-01-09T22:22:00.004+10:00

Tonight's windtrainer session was HOT ! And I don't mean in the awesome kind of way. Today was such a hot day and the balmy-ness of the early evening combined with a room full of sweaty triathletes made for a very hard session.

I'm looking forward to the early morning swim session tomorrow if for nothing else, but to cool down. The weather has definitely turned it on today. I was actually pleased that I was back at work sitting in air conditioning.

The best news for the day is the Tanita Scales results. Its been three weeks since I planted myself on the flash Tanita scales in the Naturopath's office. They have all the bells and whistles. I was very, very inspired by the results. Despite a kilo increase in weight, I have actually lost 3% body fat and increased my muscle mass by 2.5kg

......Thanks for coming :)

Week One... almost done.

2012-01-06T17:35:00.000+10:00

I've received my program from Atlas Multisport Coaching and this week was pretty much as I'd predicted with just a few minor changes. Wednesday's yoga session became an ocean swim and my rest day on Sunday will now be a long run.

Its been an interesting week.

Tuesday was my first time back in the pool with a squad in, shit, I don't know... 10 months maybe?? Lets just say its been a long time. My shoulder is still giving me grief, however I'm learning to manage it better and I've recommenced my rehab exercises (yes, I know, I should have been doing them consistently, but I haven't... tsk tsk tsk)

So, the swim session went well. It was good to be back in the pool. Tuesday afternoon was a run session. Fitness levels are of course an interesting thing. Whether you are considered 'fit' or 'athletic' is relevant to who you are training with. I have groups of people who I've trained with where I was the one being chased, I've trained with groups where I've done the chasing. Its all relative. I have to say that in the two years that I've been doing triathlon, I've worked out that in a general field of triathletes at any given event I generally finish just below the middle of the field. I like to think of it as being the fastest of the slowest.

The plan is to move up to the middle of the pack.

It's Friday afternoon and I still have a ride/run tomorrow and a long run on Sunday. So far I've successfully integrated training into Motherhood. Lucky for me, coach and the rest of the squad don't mind that I bring the kids to the track sessions. Mum and Dad of course deserve a round of applause for their willingness to support me in this ridiculous thing called triathlon despite the fact that they don't understand it. I've been dropping the kids off at 5:30 in the morning to allow for me to join the AM sessions. Although, the kids are tired too and I found myself sitting on the end of the bed in my tri suit this morning willing them to wake up so I could get to Ins and Outs training on the beach. The first sign of an open eye and I was getting them up and out the door. I managed to get to training, running down the beach pulling my cap on just as the squad was entering the water for the first set.

Wednesday afternoon's ocean swim proved to be a comical (in hindsight) event. It was quite choppy and the sea lice were out in force, but neither were an issue. Over time I've become very comfortable in the ocean. A far cry from the sook that cried on her first attempt at ocean swim in 2009. It was the cramp that I got in my left foot that began to dampen the event. After stopping and flexing my foot whilst treading water in the middle of the bay I recommenced the swim only to have my right foot cramp. Damn it. Again, we stopped. And I stretched. And we began to swim again. It wasn't long before my left calf was cramping and we decided it was best to head into shore.

As I placed my feet down to find sand underneath me I was hit with the most severe cramping I'd ever experienced. My inner thigh, my abductors, all the way down to my knee cramped and spasmed. Ouch is an understatement. It was beginning to get quite concerning by this point as I paddled my way in further and attempted again to stand. Bang! My left calf cramped and spasmed so badly, I didn't know what hit me. It was agony and nothing was going to stop it. So there I was on my arse in the shallows with waves crashing over my head, unable to stand up. My swim partner, Tracey was madly trying to flex, stretch, manipulate my leg to stop the muscle from contorting. Finally it eased and I was able to stand and limp back along the beach. The next day I felt like I'd run a marathon. Two days later and my calf is still sore and tight.

I suspect its just my body screaming "what the FUCK are you doing?" As I haven't done consistent training like this for quite some time. I've accepted now that I need to actually do the running off the bike training and I suspect that my body doesn't particularly enjoy it. Needless to say I trotted off to Alez Sport the very next day to purchase some "stop cramp" spray. And I'm researching cramping and the possible causes as it is something that seems to be getting worse. It started to become a problem in Mooloolaba tri last year and a cramp in my left calf was the cause of my delayed exit from the water at Noosa in October.

I've concluded that I need to be mindful of magnesium, hydration, electrolytes and recovery. If anyone has any further suggestions or ideas about cramping, I'd be happy to hear them.

That's about it for week one. Nutrition has been pretty good. No weight has been lost on the scales as yet, although I am feeling a little leaner and stronger, so that's a positive sign.

With 2 more sessions left before the week is over, I'll be heading to bed early again tonight. Any 'spare' time I have this weekend will be spent doing housework and cooking as many meals as I can to place in the freezer in an attempt to ease the demands of training, working, motherhood.

Despite my exhaustion, I feel focused and pumped and I'm ready for the next 11 weeks.... I think.

Epic Fail....

2012-01-04T22:20:00.002+10:00

So, training is going well....

Dating... not so good.

It would seem I'm not very good at it.

Either I've been played or I overreacted ... either way I appear to be the fool.

Think I'll just concentrate on training for a while.

Week One... Planned

2012-01-02T19:49:00.004+10:00

Ok, so week one (technically) starts tomorrow with the first official day of training for January.

I haven't got my program as yet because I'm meeting with Coach Jason Crowther from Atlas Multisports Coaching on Wednesday to go over my goals for 2012.

Naturally, Mooloolaba Triathlon is at the top of the list for setting some specific goals, however I'm also going to be speaking to Jason about the fact that I can't run for shit and that I'd like to work on my running as a priority and perhaps choose a half (or full??) marathon this year.

So I can't give you a definite outline for planned training this week. But it should look something like this:

Tuesday AM : Swim Session
Tuesday PM : Run Session

Wednesday AM : Ride/Run Session
Wednesday AM : Yoga

Thursday PM : Track (run) Session

Friday AM : Ins and Outs Swim Session

Saturday AM : Ride/Run Session

Sunday : Rest

Monday PM : Windtrainer Session

Because the kids and I are still on holidays, I can take the kids with me to the track session on Thursday. I'm also hoping that Mum will let me drop the kids of Friday and Saturday mornings so I can make it to the Ins and Outs and Ride/Run session.

Nutrition is going to be one of the most significant factors.

I have 2 more days before the kids come home. And then back to work on Monday 9th. I'll be spending that time grocery shopping and cooking meals to put in the freezer. Being organised is going to be the key to being able to train, work and be a mum.

One day, one training session, one meal at a time......

Mooloolaba Triathlon 2012

2012-01-01T16:25:00.011+10:00

Ok so, lets put all other blog topics aside for a moment and put some focus on my first and foremost goal for 2012.

My triathlon journey to date:

2009
In January 2009 I weighed 90.2 Kilos. I was unfit and unhealthy. I started to do something about it. By the end of 2009 I had lost 30kg and competed in several 10km fun runs and raced in my goal event for the year, the Run Swim Run at Noosa triathlon and Multisport Festival.'

2010
After 30kg weight loss I was well on my way to my new life. I registered for Noosa Triathlon 2010. Throughout the year, I competed in several small events. Noosa was to be my first Olympic Distance. Nervous, much? By October 2010 my marriage had ended, my Mother In Law (who was living at home with us) died of terminal cancer. I was still living with my ex, I was out of work. One of the most important people in my life had left the country and life was pretty much turning to shit in front of my eyes. I felt alone, isolated and broken. To say I didn't focus on my training and my nutrition for 6 mths leading up to Noosa Triathlon is an understatement. I suffered from a severe case of influenza the weekend before the Noosa Tri and only just made it to the starting line.

Finishing the fucker was my only goal at that point.

I did it in 3:03

2011
After an abysmal preparation for Noosa, I decided to have another crack at this Olympic distance thing and registered for Mooloolaba. Still a virgin triathlete in relative terms, I thought that this would provide me with the focus I needed to get through the continuing life saga of relationship breakdowns, unemployment, financial mess and life change.

It didn't go so well.

Plagued by injuries, I couldn't train properly. Swimming was just not happening and running was minimal effort.

But I did it. I finished it. I was well over my planned body weight and under prepared (again). Every muscle in my legs cramped in the run and although I completed 8 minutes faster than Noosa, I still felt like I'd let myself down with preparation.

Noosa 2011 - round 2 - Having found work by this stage, I was now faced with another stage in the process of major life change. Moving into my own place, working full time for the first time in 8 years and adjusting to life as a single, working mum. Still managing a bad shoulder, training took a back seat in my list of priorities and again when I crossed the line, it was bitter sweet as I STILL felt like I hadn't done all I could have to do MY best on the day.

Now its 2012. Mooloolaba is looming. Just 3 months away.

Finally I feel like the dust is settling after massive upheaval and life change. Can I finally do it? Can I finally commit and participate in the required amount of focus and training to see me cross the line with that feeling of knowing I'd done all that I can to achieve my own personal best on the day?

I hope so.

If the 3 day xmas training block that we just completed is anything to go by, then I'm ready to commit. I'm meeting with coach next week to go over my goals and to get my program for January. I have 12 weeks to prepare.

Here's what I want to achieve on 25th March 2012

Race weight - 60kg (current 67kg)
Swim - sub 30 mins (last year 31mins)
Ride - sub 1hr 20mins (last year 1:24)
run - sub 60 mins (last year 60 mins)
Overall time - sub 2:50 (last year 2:55)

The plan is to think about not much else between now and 25th March and to post regular training updates to help stay focused and committed.

Wish me LUCK !

Drops of Jupiter....

2011-12-31T15:45:00.010+10:00

CLICK HERE and listen while you read.....

I'm not going to do a "Year in Review" post. You see, that would involve a significant amount of "looking back". And I don't particularly want to look back anymore. There's nothing there for me. Its past, its gone. What was, is no longer and I'm wasting no more time staring at it, wishing for different. It's time to turn around and see the opportunities in front of me.

I'm facing forwards and looking into 2012 with some excitement and enthusiasm about the amount of awesome I'm going to create.

PB at Mooloolaba Trialthon
Finish study
Start NEW study
Be present for my kids
Find Balance
Make a difference
Find new love perhaps??

Whatever 2012 will bring, I can't wait.

Its time to return from my journey of change.

I don't know about drops of jupiter, but there's definitely a reasonable amount of sparkle. :)

Brain Dump

2011-12-27T20:41:00.006+10:00

I currently have a few posts floating around in my head. I probably need to put them into some kind of order and then pump them out one by one. The following are the current topics that I think I'll have a crack at in the near future (not forsaking the book review that is STILL in the pipeline, along with the actual book etc)

2011 - The Year in Review - This one might not be all the exciting, most of 2011 involved lots of snot and emotional outbursts along with one massive disappointment after another (derived of course from my own expectations....) ooooohhhh, there's another post in itself.
Expectations = Disappointment - This one wasn't actually even on the cards until I wrote the above sentence, but I think it might be worth exploring. Although I'm quite certain that I posted about the correlation between expectations and disappointment in the past, however lets just say that I understand it on a different level now.
Training for Mooloolaba Triathlon - Kind of thinking about doing a running commentary on my Mooloolaba training this year. This will be my fourth Olympic Distance triathlon, however I did the first few on the back of some major personal life changes and the training didn't really get the attention it deserved. So I'd really like to prepare properly for this one and the best way to stay on track is to tell the world about it!
As an advocate for creating change - I resign - I've truly had enough upheaval and change to last me for quite sometime. I don't need anymore character building right now. The only change I want to make now is to lose the 6 kilos of stress fat I've put on in the last 18 mths.
Dating - Post 30kg weight loss and 10 years of marriage - Yeah, this one could get interesting. Hands up who wants to hear about THAT !!!

Well, thats about it really. Just a bit of a brain dump. Not really any useful information in this post at all. But I guess it's my blog and I can do what I like, right?

ciao !

A Change in Christmas

2011-12-26T08:12:00.002+10:00

Christmas didn't really do it for me this year. It was quite perplexing really. I miss the joy and excitement and jovial way in which I used to go about Christmas in the past. I would spend a reasonable amount of time planning gifts, fighting crowds, preparing food. I'd stay up all night wrapping with excitement as I anticipated the joy on my kids faces when they opened their gifts, left for them by a magical character in a red suit.

I used to be in awe of the magic that still surrounded Christmas, even at my age. I would turn the Christmas Carols up and even decorating the tree was a major and symbolic event.

This year was the second Christmas since our family 'changed'. And whilst I instigated that change and whilst I know in my heart that I needed that change in order for me to grow and evolve and discover myself, I still regret that at Christmas time, that feeling of sharing the experience with another person just wasn't there. The sneaky knowing look that you exchange as one of your kids opens a present they have been wishing so hard for and the shared joy in being with your family and knowing that this is where you all belong.

Yes, I miss it. I miss it for the kids. It doesn't feel right to do Christmas like this. Christmas day is supposed to be a happy and joyous occasion, yet so many parents experience the highs and lows of either a morning without their kids or an afternoon of emptiness as the kids venture off to their respective 'other' parent. And it makes me sad that the kids don't get to feel that family connected-ness that I remember feeling as a kid.

When I was a kid, I used to spend Christmas Eve siting out the back with my parents, typically we would have shared a family BBQ which would finish with banana's BBQ'd in their skins, served with ice-cream. I would be perched on my Dad's knee as we watched the sky together waiting for a glimpse of santa's sleigh. I remember feeling over whelming comfort, love and belonging.

This year, I felt lonely. I felt the sadness of not having someone to share it with. I'm not sure why this year was particularly worse than last. I can hazard a guess at the fact that not only has my family 'changed' but also other relationships and friendships that I may have previously depended on have 'changed' also.

This year, I fear that my lack of enthusiasm, my lack of joy and my ba-humbug disposition may have dampened Christmas for my kids. I hope not.

I spent Christmas night (last night) sitting around a table drinking wine, laughing and eating left over Christmas fare with some friends who had all found themselves in a similar situation. Three out of four of us had handed over our kids to their respective fathers. It was nice way to end a Christmas Day that was filled with a certain amount of forlorn-ness.

It's my intention to continue to grow and change and rebuild my life. I hope that by next Christmas, I will be feeling more secure and content in the new world that I've been trying to create for myself and my kids. People told me that it takes approximately 2 years for the dust to settle after major life change. I didn't believe it.

Now, I'd have to say that yep.... Its a two year minimum.

Regrets ~ I've had a few... and apparently thats a GOOD thing !

2011-12-03T23:00:00.015+10:00

Yes, I'm still doing my book review. But as a Gemini, I reserve the right to change direction. The Gemini mind moves quickly and it may appear to be frivolous at times, or maybe even scatty. But rest assured, every single project I've ever started will most likely be finished at some stage..... so....... while I'm thinking about the book review, I want to share this with you.....

Kathryn Schulz ~ don't regret regret

click on the above link and watch it before reading further.

Go ahead, I'll wait.........

I watched this presentation on facebook, shared by the infamous Craig Harper. And the overwhelming feeling of relief that I got from my new awareness around regret and what it actually means was so profound that I immediately felt the need to share my thoughts and experiences.

I, like many people have been quite noble in my declaration that "I have no regrets" I've said many, many times "I don't regret a thing in my life, because every choice and mistake that I've made has made me who I am today". And look at me. Aren't I awesome? So why would I regret anything that contributed to my awesomeness..... seriously.

I've always denounced my regrets by boldly claiming that those choices were made simply because of where I was at that period of time in my life and I did the best with what I had. No regrets. None. Its all good. It's all served a purpose. Its all just part of the journey.

.....hmmmmm.

I denied the regrets because behind them lurked something a little more sinister. Something that has controlled my life, my emotions, my self belief, my self worth and my ability to stand in my power for most of my life. For me, with regret came shame and guilt. Even saying those words out loud brings a feeling of dread. And of course shame and guilt come along with their very own beat-me-up stick. I've been carrying mine around under my coat for 20 odd years. And funnily enough, I continue to create more and more situations that allow for the beat-me-up stick to come out and play. It seems the more I have denied my "regret" the more it tries to come out and cause me to, well... beat myself up.

I loved the bit in the presentation where Kathryn speaks about the four consistent defining components of regret.

First one being Denial. This is the one where we feel hopeless and helpless and we close our eyes and wish for it to go away. Oh, how many times have I been HERE? There have been moments, particularly over the past 18 months where I have cried myself to sleep over the hopelessness created from my actions. I've had so many of those moments where I've taken action on something and almost immediately, as I watched in disbelief at the outcome and consequence unfold I've regretted it and wished it would go away. I have been quite literally stuck in that place of denial. That place where I just closed my eyes and wished for it to just go. away.

But it didn't.

The second consistent defining component is Bewilderment. Oh my God... I can't believe I did that. who was I in that moment? For me, the bewilderment phase was the phase that I started to disconnect from myself. I didn't recognise the person who took those actions. Regret (as much as I denied it) created such a bewilderment about who I was that I quite literally disconnected from myself (you can read a little bit about that here). And interestingly, the more disconnected I became from myself, the more regretful actions I took. From eating shitty food, to not training, to doing and saying things that caused catastrophic results for not only myself but for other people as well.

Here's the all time favourite - Punishment. Oh yeah. The old self sabotage. My biggest punishment that I historically tend to bestow upon myself is to get fat. I don't think I need to expand much more on that one :)

Oh, and here's the clincher... the bit that makes it NEVER go away. Perseveration. As Kathryn explains in her presentation, its the process of focusing obsessively and repeatedly on the exact same thing.

Hi, my name is Nicole and I'm a perseverator (if that's not a word, then it is now because I am one)

Over and over and over it goes. In my head. Where did I go wrong? What can I do to fix it? I simply must fix it!

Denial, Bewilderment, Punishment playing like a broken record, over and over and over again.

The good news is that there is hope.

We should remind ourselves and take comfort in the fact that we are not alone in our regrets. Everyone has them. We all make mistakes. Its called "Being Human".

And if we remember the basic fundamental rule to surviving almost anything in this world is to have the ability to laugh at yourself and the situation, then we are well on our way to learning to co-exist with our regrets. Seeing the humour in situations allows us to begin to reconnect with ourselves, I think. Naturally, also the old tick tock helps. Time heals, or so I've been told.

"If we have goals and dreams, and we want to do our best and if we love people, and we don't want to hurt them or lose them, we should feel pain when things go wrong. The point isn't to live without any regrets. The point is to not hate ourselves for having them" ~ Kathryn Shulz

My First Book Review

2011-12-02T07:20:00.002+10:00

I have no idea how to write a book review. Whilst I get compliments about my writing, I've actually had no training or guidance beyond year 12 English. Interestingly, that's probably why I still haven't gotten around to writing 'the book' that's been rolling around inside my head for so long. Meh, maybe one day.

So, today, a person who in a very short period of time has managed to touch my life, gave me a book to read. It was a departure gift of sorts. You see, after only just getting to know this person and realising the value they bring to my life, fate has decided to whisk them away to another country. Their place of birth no less, on a karmic whim it would seem. One of the most beautiful souls I've encountered in a long time. I'm going to miss you Emma. Thanks for sauntering up behind me and placing your healing hand on the back of my neck right when I needed it... xx

The book is so perfectly placed for me to read right now and as I flicked through the pages of this easy to read handbook for life, I realised instantly that it was going to be a good read. And so, before I even read the first page, I decided I'd 'review' it in my blog.

As I said, I have no idea how to write a book review. Maybe I'll google it (who needs a degree in creative writing when you have google).

The title of the book is "Getting Comfort Able (the things your folks forgot to tell you about living life). And it is written by John Hart.

In an attempt to obey copy right laws, I'll be sure to reference anything I quote from the book.

Perhaps its not even really a book review. Lets call it a dissection perhaps. I'll take the content of the book and integrate it here with my own "ah-hah" moments, which I'm quite certain there will be plenty of.

Stay tuned.....

Ciao Bella.... What's Next ?

2011-12-01T07:23:00.006+10:00

Ok, so operation "pull your finger out" is still a bit disjointed. I've had a few distractions which have seen me have some late nights over the last couple of weeks. They haven't really served me very well at all and I think I need to reevaluate some stuff.

I'm craving some real 'me' time. I've been invited to a few different social gatherings, and quite frankly, I'm just not in the mood. Is that bad? I feel as though I'm withdrawing from the world a little. Maybe a bit of a recoil after some sadness. Whatever. It is what it is and I really don't mind that I want to focus on just me and my kids for a while.

I've been wasting some energy on the wrong things over the past few years. And it only lead to my own heartache. Its time now to withdraw and recoup. Recover and rebuild. Refocus. Redefine what I want. Its actually almost like a grieving process. It sucks when things change, although I'm no longer grieving the loss of my dreams and expectations.

I'm kind of done with that, now its just a matter of trying to establish some kind of life away from those expectations. A life that revolves solely around me and what I want for myself and my kids.

The good news is that nutrition has been reasonably ok, and I've dropped a couple of kilos. I'm back to 65kg's (from 69) which is only a few kilos away from my happy weight.

However, my lack of gym attendance might also indicate a drop in muscle mass too.

Its fixable.

Enough time wasted on matters of the heart.

My heart has had enough.

It doesn't sit on my sleeve so much these days. And that's probably not a bad thing. Too many expectations leads to a shit load of disappointment.

Time now to turn around and enjoy right now and also look towards the future. Whatever it holds. One thing I know for sure. And that is that I am happy when I'm fit and healthy....

I'm NOT the Poster Girl for Weightloss !

2011-11-26T07:52:00.003+10:00

I created a bit of a self imploding monster after I lost 30kgs, changed my life and suddenly become an "inspiration" to others. At one time, it warmed my heart and gave me great pleasure to know that my journey had inspired others to change and grow and I eagerly shared my journey with the intention that others might get something out of it and change their lives also. But then the cracks started to show. The wheels fell off and my life turned upside down. I had a lot of internal shit going on. Marriage break ups (and the proceeding events that took place) are challenging and I felt like I was being catipulted through personal growth and ascension at a speed which wasn't all that comfortable to me.

I felt like a fake and a phony. People were looking to me for inspiration and I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror.

I felt vulnerable and alone.

I felt like people were monopolising on my journey.

I felt like everyone wanted a piece of what I had. Believe me... you didn't want it.

So here is my declaration to all who have followed my journey -

I'm not the poster girl for weight loss.

I don't have the answers you are seeking, because I'm still seeking them myself.

I don't know what to say to you when you tell me that its too hard.

I'm just going to say this :

I was at my most happiest when I felt fit and strong. I was at my most happiest when my clothes skimmed off my body and didn't 'cling' to any bumps. I was at my most happiest when I could run from Palmwoods to Montville and when I achieved a new PB up that god damn hill. I used to wear my heart rate monitor on EVERY training session to measure my progress in fitness. I got excited when my heart rate came down quickly after a session because it meant my recovery time and therefore my fitness was improving. I was happy when I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my abs for the first time in 20 years, knowing how hard I'd worked to find them. I wore a bikini for the first time since I was 16.

I remember that writing my blog helped me achieve my goals. As much as I love that people follow and comment, I'm not writing it for anyone else, but me. I'm one of these people who gets overwhelmed with thoughts, doubts and general mind chatter. So writing my blog, for me was a way of brain dumping that stuff to clear the way for my goals and desires to be manifested without getting snagged on the big ball of wire inside my head.

So follow it if you wish. Read. Comment. Laugh and cry with me along the way if you like. But don't put me on a pedestal.

I'm as fucked up as you are

:)

I want my sexy back

2011-11-25T21:18:00.003+10:00

Now that I've returned from my journey to the dark side of the moon, I'd like to get my sexy back.....

I want to wear this dress again......

I've been attempting to do it over the last 6 months and I get one or two weeks in and life overwhelms me and I mess it all up.

There once was a time when I wouldn't accept any excuses. But I have to admit that its not as easy this time around. My life is different... TOTALLY.

I'm working full time, I'm a part time single mum...... I'm broke (literally), I'm still injured, my shoulder doesn't let me train the way I did before. I don't know where the fire in my belly went. Sure, I still train, and still eat reasonably well, and considering my little trip through my own cerebral chaos (and my history of binge/emotional eating) I've only put on about 6 kilos.

Still.

I want my sexy back.

It feels so much better.

I've learned to love myself again (see previous post) so I don't think is a 'worthy-ness' issue.

I have a gym at my work, a treadmill in my lounge room and a windtrainer that can be set up on my back deck within minutes....so its not a convenience or availability issue.

Finances are a tricky one. For the first half of the month I have plenty of clean food in my fridge, but by the end of the month, the budget starts to thin and I'm 'making do'.

You know what it is? Its being organised (or lack there of).

Clearly, I'm not.

By the time I get home of an evening with the kids, its after 6pm. Dinner can often be whatever I can get my hands on and I'm so tired that I start doing the whole "fuck it" internal dialogue thing. Then the kids fight and nag and I blow my top and send everyone to bed (late) the kitchen is a mess and homework is STILL not done. There's washing to fold and its all too hard so I go upstairs and pretend its not happening, jump into bed, get onto facebook and zone out from my life.

*crickets*

Can anyone else see the problem here?

Stay tuned... I'm working on it.

Finding Grace and Humility

2011-11-24T06:30:00.003+10:00

If I could choose one word to describe what I have learnt as a result of my journey to the dark side of myself, I'd have to say it is humility.

Understanding part of an individual's evolution to self connection, or self realisation is to go within and witness parts of themselves that they may have denounced. It can be a very confronting and painful experience to bring forth those parts of you that you would for the most part like to pretend didn't even exist.

We are taught the value of being a 'good' person from a young age. We are taught labels and judgements about certain thoughts, ideas, behaviours etc. Its 'good' to be behave like 'that'. Its 'bad' to behave like 'that'. And so based on these'labels and what they represent to us and our worthiness of being in the 'good person' brigade, we go about our business 'behaving' accordingly.

And for the most part, we feel like we sit comfortably in the 'good person' column. We've checked all the 'good person' boxes, yet somewhere deep inside of our hearts is a discontentment, an unhappiness or a disconnection.

I believe its a disconnection from ourselves. The side of us that we don't want to see or acknowledge because of the label we have put on it. Its a side that we all have. Built predominantly from fears, needs, desires....all of which are brilliantly crafted by our egos in order to keep us from discovering the true beauty that lies within each and every one of us. There is contrast in all things. Its the very essence of nature to have a balance. Yin and yang, dark and night, sun and moon, north and south, east and west. Everything in nature is perfectly balanced. Doesn't it make sense then, that our nature, our very beings would carry with them a balance in attributes? Good, Bad. Dark, Light.

We can't walk around being Mary Poppins our whole lives.... it wouldn't be believable.

Humility, I believe, comes from that moment when you turn and face your dark side and finally without fear or judgement, you embrace it and love it. Its the moment when you realise that you're not perfect, and that its OK.

When you know it as a part of you and you accept that the situations and events that are bought about by it are there to serve a purpose in your journey to discovering you, then it can be integrated into your very being with acceptance and love. With this integration comes the quiet knowing that you no longer have to run and hide and try to deny that part of yourself that is there simply to show you contrast.

Its also the moment when you see more beauty and acceptance in others. When you realise that we all have our cross to bare and we are all avoiding and perhaps trying to accept our dark side. Not only are you reconnecting with yourself, but you are connecting and understanding others.

It doesn't make you 'bad'. It doesn't make you 'unworthy'.

Its there to teach you humility and grace.

"Sometimes we create negative circumstances so we can end up with a positive result. Love yourself through it." ~ Sabrina

Enjoy your day,
Nicole x

Amazing Grace

2011-11-18T21:22:00.003+10:00

Its been a while. Its been a long time. And to say that I feel far removed from the person who left this blog sometime ago is an understatement, yet I still feel a weird sense of trepidation around what I actually want the blog to represent now, how much of myself I'd like to share and what purpose do I want it to serve.

I don't even feel like being dramatic about it anymore. I don't write from a place of extreme discomfort anymore. I don't write from a place of confusion, sadness, helplessness anymore. I don't write from a place of over exaggerated (and false) joy or from a desperate need to grasp onto something that represents reality. Or even from a need for recognition and validation from an audience (or particular people).

I now just feel like someone who has been through some shit and is now feeling the relief of beginning to feel reconnected with a wiser, stronger, more hopeful version of myself.

I'm currently feeling so detached from the drama's and constraints that have plagued my mind, my heart and my very being for so long, that I'm not even sure that I know what to write.

I certainly don't need to explain myself. I don't have a need to try to explain on here what I'm going through for particular people (and people in general). Because whether you understand me is irrelevant now. I had this insane need to feel understood. I needed people to 'get me'. It was a deep desire to feel that. I fooled myself into believing that that in itself gave me validation. YOU get me, therefore I'm OK, right?

Who knows.....

There is one thing that I do understand now. And that is that there is a basic human need to feel connected. Its fundamental, I think, to our survival. We crave it. We long for it. And I also think that whilst it is important for us to connect with others, it is more important to be connected to ourselves first and foremost.

Sometimes we get lost in the process of trying to find it, or in the process of desperately trying to hold onto it. I felt like I'd lost myself. Totally. "I" was gone. What I actually 'lost' was the self that was created through conditioning, fears (mine and other peoples) and my idea of what I 'should' be. So distraught was I in that place that I don't ever wish to experience it again. Frightened and alone and desperately clawing to try to find an anchor. But the most beautiful awareness from the journey is that in that empty space of total disconnection from self, where all of my lifelines were taken away from me, I was able to find and begin to reconnect with a more authentic version of me. Imperfections and all.

I had to empty in order to refill. And the process is far from over. This is REAL change. Not just a body transformation, or a light bulb moment here and there. This was real face your demons type of change. Oh, I've desperately tried to avoid facing some shit. Desperately hanging on in order to avoid being left alone with myself. It was like being left alone in a room with all the doors locked and someone switching out the light. THAT's how it felt. Panic.

Don't talk to me about anxiety. I lived in a constant state of it for months and months without even realising it. It's always there, waiting. It grips you like a vice and you are literally paralysed by it. Unable to function.

"DON'T LEAVE ME HERE ALONE IN THE DARK !!!" That's the essence of what was screaming inside my head.

But guess what??

No one died !! Ha !!

There was no real need to be frightened. Being left with just me? What was I worried about? I'm fucking awesome !! How did I become so frightened of being left with myself?

I'm quite certain that it didn't need to be so hard. And I'm sure the people around me will agree whole heartedly that I made it much harder than it needed to be.

Being lost allows you to be in the space to be found. I now totally get the song Amazing Grace !

The End. x

2011-08-23T21:19:00.002+10:00

That moment when you realise that its never ever going to be the same again......

Change.

Sometimes it really SUCKS.

2011-08-19T21:41:00.002+10:00

Broken :(

Surrender

2011-08-09T14:56:00.001+10:00

I'm afraid of the space between now and when it will be OK.

still so many rivers to cross

2011-08-06T18:06:00.000+10:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=stFlORsXud4

Connectedness and Seeking Real Truth

2011-08-02T07:23:00.003+10:00

I am reading a book at the moment called Tao ~ The Pathless Path.

I’m only up to page 22 and already have felt some shifts in consciousness and understanding in regards to the apparent human need to feel ‘connected’ and what it means to us as individuals and as a whole.

I have been focusing my energy on my perceived “lack” of connectedness, when all I needed to do was take the “i” (ego) from my thoughts and allow myself to feel the connectdeness with everything around me. It is the idea of separation that creates the ego.

The Tao means to exist on the way, and to exist in such a way that the way and you are not two. This existence is one- we are not separate from it. The separation, the very idea of separation, is very illusory. We are joined together, we are one whole.

In the pages of this book, I am also beginning to understand my positioning around learning. I have always looked up to and sought the knowledge from others as if they were superior to me. I now understand that it is only my willingness to learn that allows them to teach me anything, therefore I am the master of my learning.

"A seeker came to Jalauddin Rumi, the Safi mystic, and said, "Will you teach me? will you teach me, Master?" Jalaluddin looked at him and said "Will you allow me to teach?"

The man said, "Why should I not allow you to teach? I have come to learn."

Jalauddin said, "Because that is the main thing - will you allow me to teach? Otherwise, I cannot teach, because in fact teaching is not possible, only learning is possible. If you allow, then the learning will flower."

In a single moment it happens, truth is not a process, it is a happening. It is not gradual, it needs no time to happen.

I think too much, or so I've been told.... many, many times and the one thing I have learnt in the first 22 pages of the book is that the truth is not found in thinking. It is found in experiencing. Lieh Tzu is not a thinker, he is a poet, and by "poet" it is meant one who believes in experiencing, not in speculations.

The poet is in search for the beautiful, but beauty is nothing but truth glimpsed. The thinker? Well he gets stuck in thoughts, there is no real truth in thinking. The truth is in experiencing and letting go.

I'm looking forward to sitting in the park at lunch time again today and continue reading :)

Stop the world.... I want to get off

2011-07-25T22:09:00.000+10:00

Today, I was angry.

I don't like being angry. For me, anger is a symptom of a much bigger problem, usually fear. I personally think that anger is a result of not taking responsibility and therefore blaming other people/things/events/situations on your discontentment with where you are currently at.

So, I've had some major dummy spits over the last few weeks. Why? Because I'm pushed beyond my limits. Because I've bitten off more than I can chew and I don't have enough time in the day and because I'm scared of my future and because I've made some choices that have caused some discomfort to others and it feels like the universe is throwing them back in my face with a big fat Karma slingshot.

In essence I've been running a hundred miles an hour trying to avoid myself (again). Not honouring myself and doing things for others despite the fact that I don't really want to be doing them. I feel like the universe is putting up big fat "you're a failure" neon signs everywhere I turn and I'm desperately trying to prove otherwise, to everyone. Ok, not to everyone.... to ME.

If it was viable, and if I was the type of person who chucked sickies, today I could have easily phoned in sick and stayed under my doona. I believe its called a mental health day or some shit. Anyway, that was me last night and this morning.

Stop the world. I want to get off.

I was very wanting in my desire to shut the entire world out today.

FUCK. OFF.

But I didn't. I got up (late) rushed around, yelled at the kids, felt my anxiety and feelings of hopelessness rise to a point that when I finally did arrive at work (late) and someone asked me how I was, I simply burst into tears like a baby.

Oooookkkk...... coffee anyone?

Lucky I work in a place that is full of beautiful healing souls who's very presence is enough to uplift me. If ever the universe has planted me anywhere for my highest good, this is definitely the place. And so with the healing energies that I am surrounded by, I began to take stock and understand that the level of chaos I was experiencing was self created in my own choices to do/say/be that which doesn't really serve me.

I have some amazing conversations with the people I work with about life, purpose, inner peace, layers, "stuff", universal forces which all help to remind me of what I truly believe. Away from the dramas and the stories that play out in everyday life, the truth lies within us. The truth that despite any of it, we will be OK.

Everything will be OK in the end and if its not OK, then its not the end.....

Inspired Again

2011-07-03T19:46:00.005+10:00

After taking quite a long and sometimes tumultuous detour from my journey towards a fitter, faster, lighter, stronger version of myself, I've found some inspiration again (again). The light at the end of the tunnel that could possibly have represented my self belief has been somewhat elusive over the past several months, sometimes dimming to almost blackness with the occasional surge, just enough light to keep my attention if only in the back of my mind.

Ironically (or not) it was running in the Caloundra foreshore fun run on 19th June that stirred the excitement and created an internal shift that reignited the fire in my belly that had been simply smouldering for quite a while. The Caloundra foreshore fun run was my first ever fun run back in 2009. I was halfway through my weight loss journey and at that time had little knowledge of the magnitude of the change that I was about to experience on so many levels. And as I ran it this year, somewhat leaner, lighter, faster, stronger than 2009, I remembered why I do this shit. Because it gives me purpose. It was that simple.

And today, I was reminded and inspired again. Not by my own athletic endeavours, but by a dear friend of mine who today achieved something that most people believe to be totally out of their reach.

My friend Peta and I began getting up early mornings, walking together with a few other girls about 2 and a half years ago. All with the intention to "lose weight and get fit". It wasn't the first time either of us had ever 'started' a new idea of weight loss.

Since that time, we have lost close to 43 kilos between us. I went on to discover a love for triathlon and Peta plodded along with her running goals.

Today, Peta completed the Gold Coast Marathon. 42kms. She has a young family, a supportive husband and works part time at the local newsagency. She trained for 5 months. 4:30 am starts. And never missed a session.

I phoned her today to congratulate her and she said to me that the most rewarding part of achieving this goal was the fact that she is just a normal, everyday Jo-Blo who had a goal. And that the message it gives to all is that there is no reason why you can't achieve something. Seriously.

Thank you Peta for your inspiration and dedication.

(She also said she might ACTUALLY get in the pool one day soon and try her hand at swimming. I'm quite certain that when she masters that one, I'll get her on a bike......)

Psychology Today......

2011-04-13T11:23:00.000+10:00

So, given that human behaviour fascinates me it seems only appropriate that I should spend some time researching different types of personality disorders and behavioural patterns.

My most latest level of awareness as you may have gathered from my previous posts is that of the "Attention Seeker".

Now, at the risk of sounding a little bit dysfunctional, I have really been exploring my tendency to seek reassurance at any cost. The general feedback from people around me, and more to the point, those of the male species is that although I am considered to be a kind, warm, caring, energetic, witty, funny, attractive, intelligent individual, my most annoying and off putting character trait is that I am too full on, intense and perhaps have a tendency to seek attention and reassurance. Which APPARENTLY is annoying.... ugh !!

So, being that I'm all for self exploration with a view to finding my full human potential, I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and explore this incessant need for external ok-ness (a word) a little further. Don't get me wrong, I'm not so dysfunctional that I sit in a room and have to be the centre of attention. No.... For the most part, socially I believe I function in quite a healthy, self assured, confident and balanced manner. I'm very likable. And I'm good to have around. I'm well balanced and can hold an intelligent and mature conversation quite reasonably. I'm a good, caring and considerate friend. I'm happy.

My issue is with relationships. Having been married in a 'safe' place for 12 years, I haven't had to deal with my insecurities around intimate relationships for a very long time. And so the idea of dating has been somewhat daunting to say the least. And the general consensus seems to be that I am just a little bit too full on. Intense. Hard work.... that can be translated to being just a little bit over bearing with my need for reassurance and attention.

It perplexes me a great deal that on one hand I can totally be a strong minded, independent, focused woman and yet on the other hand, a scared, insecure little girl who constantly needs to feel connected.

I imagine that some people read my blog and cringe at the extent to which I expose myself online. I expect some people see it as one big attention seeking endeavour. And maybe on one hand it is, after all I AM a Gemini ;-)

But for those who know me, you will probably understand where I'm coming from. Those who know me as the strong, independent, focused and well balanced individual will understand that I'm not dysfunctional at all, I am just secure enough with myself and my perceived character flaws to explore them in a systematic way without self judgement or punishment. (Well, thats not entirely true as I DO have a tendencey to beat myself up a little..... but it sounded good)

I am who I am, there is always room for improvement and I'm more than prepared to take on board the verbal and non verbal feedback that I receive from others. After all, as I've said a lot lately, every single encounter with another human being presents us with an opportunity to learn something new about ourselves.

Part of who I am is self exploration. Its what I do and its what helps me to help others to find their own potential. Its my passion. We all have greatness within us. Every single one of us. And I think its the biggest tragedy to not explore it and try to find it.

As for me and intimate relationships. Perhaps it will take quite some time to find a person who is actually going to 'get' that about me. And up until now, that has made me very sad. My fear of no one 'getting' me enough for me to feel comfortable with who I am was unnecessary and didn't serve me. it saw me desperately trying to hold on too tightly.

Its an unwarranted fear.

But until now it has been quite a real fear. And has driven a lot of behaviours and choices around relationships for a long time. Its probably why I married 'safe' in the first place.

Up until a year ago, I subconsciously operated through life without having an awareness of those fears, insecurities and triggers that were kept at bay whilst I resided within the safety of a dull and predictable existence. And its taken me an entire year to finally start to understand and accept myself outside of that existence. And with yet a deeper awareness of myself I'm expecting those fears to further lose their power over me so that I may be able to relax further into a life of contentment.....

With or without someone else to share it with.

Free Falling

2011-04-05T08:16:00.000+10:00

I have a shiny new laptop, for which I am on one hand grateful and excited about and on the other hand a little perturbed that I've had to spend money that I really didn't have because my old one decided to shut down one day and never resurrect itself again.

So, in the time between my last post and now, what have I learnt?

Because lets face it, this blog is just one big purge for all the valuable life lessons of me, a simple girl with an overactive mind and a burning desire to make a difference not only for herself, but for anyone who cares to join her on this journey called LIFE.

Most of the posts that I write come from observing myself and others in a world that often is portrayed to me as one big stage where a myriad of dramas are being played out in front of me. Through observing (and sometimes - I hate to admit - judging...) others, I actually learn a lot about who I am and I am beginning to understand my role in many perplexities surrounding many different relationships.

I've been observing myself A LOT lately. And for sometime now I've been aware of some of my behaviours and the reasons for them but without the tools or enough incite on how to change. Then I remembered the words that a wise man once told me (yes, I do actually know a wise man... I know a few. And surprisingly, none of them are old, although one is a Chinese herbalist and acupuncturist who isn't actually Chinese at all.....)

I digress....

And so I was told by my acupuncturist, the wise one.... to let go of the need to 'change'. Just have the awareness around your behaviour, observe it, note it as 'interesting' and then simply 'move on'. Eventually with the awareness, the behaviour becomes less apparent and the need for it is less prominent.

I've gained an amazing amount of incite into some of the fears that have driven my behaviour and I'm relieved to say that with that awareness, those fears are losing their grip on me.

Nice.

Its interesting now to watch others as it is now so obvious to me when I see the out of control vehicle with their fears at the steering wheel. How many times have you said to yourself "I hate the way I do that!" and yet, you continue to do it.

Psychotherapists have thrown the self sabotage theory around for such a long time. And I'm sure we have all said to ourselves at one point "Its a self sabotage thing"... But have you ever really considered the fear that is driving it?

What's the feeling that you don't want to feel?

Ever heard the saying "What you resist, persists?"

Ask yourself if the fear is serving you. It more than likely isn't.

Having courage to create change isn't about forcing yourself to be different than what you are. Having the courage to change is about having the courage to let go. To feel the fear, and to do it anyway.

Understanding yourself is the path to change and confusion is the welcome mat at the doorway of change. So hold on, ride the wave, take a breath and free fall.

Its the scariest and most exhilarating feeling in the world.

Try it :)

Creating Drama for Drama's Sake

2011-03-13T13:10:00.000+10:00

I'm finding this post a little confronting to write, actually.

I've started it several times and just haven't been able to make it flow. I'm not sure why, maybe its because I'm bringing to another level of understanding, my tendancy to over react, jump up and down and demand that the story become "all about me". And perhaps I'm having some difficulty with that.

Oh, come on... we ALL do it sometimes. Don't we???

I'm trying to understand it actually. The need to emotionally react and the need to create a stir big enough to achieve some kind of dysfunctional attention seeking outcome.

Shit, we can do all the childhood stuff, but seriously hasn't it been done before? Let me lay myself down on my couch and analyse (again) my childhood. Or not.... because its been done a million times. How many more times do I have to go over the childhood stuff???

Part of it for me, as I've began to realise recently is that I've sat inside my story for such a long time, that it has become my identity. And when I behave in a way that could be deemed unreasonable (I believe the technical name for it is "drama queen") I've often just 'blamed' my upbringing, my past experiences, almost as a means to justify it to myself and others.

Poor me.......

I talk a lot about taking responsibility for who we are and where we are at in our lives. I preach it. I tell people, that the path to happiness is to acknowledge and own the stories you create and that your life and your happiness is a direct result of your choices and your perceptions.

Easier to preach than to practice at times.

The ideal conclusion to this post would be that I've been cured of overreacting simply through the awareness and through the process of writing about it. But I doubt that's the case. I happen to think that it will probably be something I continue to do to some degree.

Maybe....

Being Mean is just not Necessary

2011-03-13T13:04:00.000+10:00

What Friendships Teach Us....

2011-03-06T22:06:00.000+10:00

Life is a constant sequence of events from which we can learn a little more about ourselves, or we can wallow in our own self pity. I had a great night with some beautiful women last night. Four women, different ages, different personalities, different views on life. But one thing in common - a mutual respect for the fact that we are all different and that despite our actions, our decisions, our mistakes, our attitudes, our opinions, our past, or what we want for our futures we are each one of us an individual on our own journey in life, here to learn our own lessons.

With the safety provided in that place of friendship, sitting around the "bench of truth" which just happened to be a kitchen bench containing a bottle of Jack Daniels, a shot glass, a bowl of cheeseballs, and an ipod all of us were able to be totally ourselves. Individuals, dancing on the bench, swearing loudly, laughing, piggy backing... hell there were even a few boob shots posted to facebook.

I realised from listening to the stories of these other women, whom I had known as neighbours for a period of time in my life, that you never really KNOW people. And with that knowledge, the only conclusion is that how on earth can we judge anyone?

I also came to the realisation that I've 'sat in' my 'stuff' for far too long.

I've spent so much time trying to work me out that I've twisted myself into one big unnecessary knot of emotions and the only thing I have achieved is that I've pissed off and annoyed the people around me with my incessant rants about, lets face it.... ME. Pushing people away with my immature emotional tantrums has become my forte.

This past week, I've really started to let go a little bit more. I've lived within the drama of the stories that I've created for such a long time.

I didn't drink last night. Yet, I had the most amazing night, watching 3 of my friends totally write themselves off and we laughed and danced, and it was the best night in such a long time. Through the conversations and moments of the evening, I developed a deeper understanding of the simplicity that life can be and the contentment of knowing that the relationship that I have with myself is reflected through my experiences with the rest of the world. And by just letting go and trusting in the knowledge that all is good, I felt a relief as I released myself from the restraints and restrictions I'd imposed on myself.

2011-03-04T14:31:00.000+10:00

When we love someone, we admire them with our heart.....

Fear

2011-02-28T21:22:00.000+10:00

So, as you can imagine any major life changes tend to involve the acknowledgement and dealing with fear. After all, change in itself is scary, terrifying actually (depending on the level of change you intend to create). Even though you might not particularly LIKE where you are, you KNOW it and therefore it is, to some degree..... comfortable.

And so quite often when you create a change in your life, you are often faced with some fears and insecurities that you may well have hidden away and not had to deal with within the comfortableness that is/was your current reality.

Thats what has happened for me, in many ways. On many levels.

And its scary and I hate it to be perfectly honest because there are moments when the fear takes over and my behaviour and thoughts become for the most part - irrational.

So here is my fear for the day, well actually its the fear of the decade, well maybe its actually the fear of the millenium.......

I fear not being enough.

There, I said it out loud. To the whole world.

Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not tall enough, not fast enough, not witty enough, not charming enough, not beautiful enough...... just not ENOUGH.

I remember when I was a teenager and my older brother hung around the 'beautful people'... you know the crowd, they're all tall, tanned, toned, talented. And I was his gawky little sister... short, stumpy, awkward, a little bit chubby maybe. I hated being around the beautiful people because they reminded me of what I wasn't.
Just being in their presence was excrutiating... it was like switching on a big fat neon light that said "YOU'RE NOT ENOUGH!!"

So, being an all or nothing kind of girl, I did what anyone would do who was in my shoes. I didn't aim high, I didn't expect too much from myself, I didn't punch above my weight. I knew my place, and I knew what I was worthy of and what I wasn't. (perception, I know) Hell, I even got fat and ugly (more perception... I know) because if I couldn't be perfect, then it was easier to be the opposite. Its easier to be the opposite of beautiful than to 'not quite' make it there.

Oh yes, I know its all very shallow... but such is the workings of a teenage mind.

And so, I grew up. Became average, mediocre, normal working housewife, three kids, mortgage....

You get the picture.

Anyway, I could rave on, seriously, I could. And it would probably make for quite an interesting read. But alas, you're not going to get the nitty gritty details of why I'm feeling not quite enough these days.

But I will tell you that when I feel it, its like a wave of fear and almost self loathing that washes over me. My nerve endings tingle and the pain of it is almost unbearable. I want to run from it. If I could get up and run away from my own self in that moment, I surely would.

And for some its hard to understand. Some people never feel that. They grow up in nurturing, encouraging environments, where they are lead to believe that they are perfect just as they are. They don't comprehend the self worth issues that comes from being made to feel not good enough your whole life. It's reversible to a degree, but it takes a lot of courage and a lot of work and a lot of understanding.

The moral of the story is that changing my body, losing weight, getting fit, competing in triathlon, leaving my husband.... all of those things didn't change the way I feel. None of it removed the fear.

The fear is still there. And I hate it.....

Need vs Desire

2011-02-24T14:18:00.000+10:00

I'm feeling the need to post, but not so much the desire.....

There's a few topics to post about. There's the Craig Harper workshop which was held here in February where the Goal Power Girls got a chance to get up close and personal with the man himself.

Then there's my training progress and shoulder rehab. There's good news to report there and I have regained some much needed focus and contentment which is enabling me to live everyday in a balanced and productive way.

Of course there's preparation for Mooloolaba Triathlon which is only 4 weeks away.

Then there's my upcoming trip to Melbourne to party with the blog tarts.

But alas.... it will have to wait.

For someone who hasn't technically got a steady job, I seem to be extremely busy. So I will be posting and updating soon with info, pics and stories.

I'm also going to share some of my favourite recipes and fitness stuff with you.....

I've got big plans for 'Courage for Life' to be a resource and a place to share for anyone wanting to create change..... so I hope you can stick around.

New Look

2011-02-17T21:50:00.000+10:00

It seems fitting to revamp my blog considering my life appears to have had a two year long renovation. During my period of growth and change, my blog provided me with a sanctuary to explore and articulate my thoughts and emotions during a period of immense, shall we say, "character building".

I now feel as though I'm moving onto a new phase. That period of my life amidst the chaos of change has for the most part passed. I feel a little bit like the butterfly finally having emerged after the period of metamorphosis, although I have to say that its been more of a subtle awareness rather than a grand entrance of my new found self.

Nonetheless, I feel.... New. Maybe a little grown up, maybe just a little more content in knowing that the world isn't going to end because I changed direction and created change that at times left me feeling like I was free falling without a parachute.

So.... here is my new blog.

All the old posts are still available in the archive to the left if you have an inclination to explore the thoughts of an overweight, self doubting woman on the verge of several breakdowns during a period of change in a life, that for the most part seemed to be already "good".

But if, like me, you would like to leave the past where it is then I look forward to sharing the next phase of my journey with you. One that will hopefully be filled with travelling, triathlon, health and fun. I have little doubt that some of my trials and tribulations will still make there way to these pages. But that's the beauty of life. The pendulum swings from one extreme to the other. The plan is, as I've mentioned in previous posts, to find the balance somewhere in the middle..... (but then again, I'm a Gemini, so permanent balance is probably impossible).....

2011-02-10T16:34:00.000+10:00

I'll stand at your shoulder
I'll keep you running right
Keep you running right
I'll fight in your corner
I'll stay by your side
I'll stay by your side

There's no need now to worry
Our love's still here tomorrow

There aint no use in crying
for whats keeping us divided
Baby we're still trying, we're still trying

We're too old to worry
About who's wrong and who is right
Is's all so by and by
People need a villain
Someone to pay the price
It keeps them satisfied

There's no need now to worry
I'll still be here tomorrow

There aint no use in crying
for whats keeping us divided
Baby we're still trying, we're still trying

Baby we're still trying
Baby we're surviving

2011-02-10T07:55:00.000+10:00

63.6kg

*HAPPY DANCE*

2011-02-09T21:40:00.000+10:00

Psychotherapy at its best

2011-02-06T19:57:00.000+10:00

Thank you Judes for this link.

If you have even a slight interest in your own personal and spiritual growth. If you have ever searched for answers... then watch this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Qm9cGRub0

Its psychotherapy at its absolute best.

To Feel Alive :

Let ourselves be seen - deeply seen

Love with whole heart even when there are no guarantees

Practice gratitude and Joy in moments of terror

Believe that you are enough.

Being Vulnerable means you are alive!

Vulnerability.... Its scary but incredibly empowering.

2011-02-03T11:22:00.000+10:00

"Being vulnerable doesn't have to be threatening. Just have the courage to be sincere, open and honest. This opens the door to deeper communication all around. It creates self-empowerment and the kind of connections with others we all want in life. Speaking from the heart frees us from the secrets that burden us. These secrets are what make us sick or fearful. Speaking truth helps you get clarity on your real heart directives." ~ Sara Paddison, The Hidden Power of the Heart

Boo Ya !!!!

2011-01-31T20:25:00.000+10:00

I don't have a lot of time for posting tonight. I have a busy day ahead tomorrow and need to get myself into gear. But I just wanted to share that I had the most awesome run today. It truly was the BEST run I'd had in over 8 months.

I was comfortable, I was light, I was strong, I was...... flying. I had my mojo back. It was a bit of a hilly run. One that I've done many times before.

I want to thank my training partner Miss Wendy for her inspiration and motivation. Training with her has played a huge role in my getting back my mojo. She has listened to me whinge and whine and has continued to gently push me in the right direction. Knowing that she was waiting for me at 5.30 am for a ride or a run helped get me off my arse, even when I didn't feel like it.

Right... I'm off to get my shit sorted.

I'm loving the spring I currently have in my step :)

Finally Focused Again.... No, Really !!

2011-01-30T08:34:00.000+10:00

Thank GOODNESS !!

It has seemed like an absolute eternity to reach this point. And its not before time. Mooloolaba Triathlon is in 8 weeks time. And I was really starting to think I was going to have a repeat of Noosa - untrained, unprepared, beating myself up, depressed, fat, unfit.... and ready to quit.

Phew.....

I am FINALLY feeling settled, focused and content with my fitness journey again. I've had peaks and troughs in my attempts to get to this point, but the whole time it was like I was forcing myself into a place of contentment and focus and the more I pushed, the more I resisted and the more I "failed" in my attempts to be where I wanted to be.

Now that I've stopped pushing, and begun listening to myself and my reasons and found an awareness of my place in my own world, I'm finally feeling like I've stopped walking around in circles and am actually starting to stride in the right direction.

I'm placing far less importance on the relationships around me to prop me up. Its an interesting place that I'm in right now. If someone isn't in line with my core values and beliefs, then I simply don't invest the time in them. There's no arrogance in it, there's no thinking that I'm better than anyone else. Everything just is what it is without any labels or pretence.

I'm really liking where I am. Nothing feels forced. Nothing feels hard. I'm just doing, being and living.

I'm really excited about the prospect of doing Mooloolaba at under 60kg. Apart from the obvious benefits of being under 60kg (ie looking and feeling shit hot...) I'm really interested and quite intrigued as to how much of a difference a lighter frame will make to my performance on the run and the bike.

Training is going well. My injuries are still an issue, but I've finally realised that I have to go back to basics and rebuild the framework or the rest will just crumble. It was a hard lesson to learn. Rehab is quite frankly boring as bat shit. But its necessary and every rehab session I do brings me one step closer to being able to run at a faster pace and swim without constant and debilitating pain in my left shoulder. Its all a process and I am learning to have patience with it. Whilst I consistently do what I need to do, I am steadily heading in the right direction. Up until now, my stubborn impatience has seen me left digging my heels and not actually moving in any real direction towards my goals, which just ended in frustration and disappointment.

So for the most part... Life is Good.

Progress

2011-01-28T07:09:00.000+10:00

A-Hem....... 64.2 kgs

that is all...

A (new) Starting Point

2011-01-27T08:42:00.000+10:00

Yesterday was Australia Day.

What better way to spend it than at the beach, right?

Now because it has rained more than when Noah built the arc in South East Queensland this summer, I've had little opportunity or desire to don my bikini and head to the beach. So yesterday I thought, woo hoo... time to get the bikini out and bask in the glorious summer day.

I love Australia Day.

The bad news is that because I haven't worn my bikini for a year, I was just a little bit disappointed with what I saw.

hmmmmm......

So I wore it anyway to remind myself of what I want to achieve again. I was self conscious and uncomfortable for most of the day, but it served as a reminder of what I want from my fitness and health journey.

So here they are, my new "before" shots

Still, its a starting point. I'm out of my denial and I'm excited about the next phase of my journey.

Mooloolaba Triathlon is just 8 weeks away :)

Finding a New Reason

2011-01-26T21:20:00.000+10:00

I've been really having some trouble with focusing on my goals for training, health etc. I have been quite perplexed by it all and thinking that there must be something wrong with me. It felt as though despite my intentions, I just couldn't get my shit together consistently enough to make a dent in what I've been wanting to achieve.

My shoulder just isn't getting any better and if you were to ask me why, the most honest answer I can give you is that I've been in denial about what I NEEDED to do to fix it and have spent shit loads of money going from one health care professional to another looking for a quick fix. "What?? It's MY responsibility to do the physio to fix my shoulder??" "But can't you just rub it a bit and tell me it just needs a rest and then it will all be OK, and I can go and swim 2km's any day of the week and not have an issue??" pppfffftt !!!

So, I had a couple of interesting conversations in the past week. No big long deep and meaningful's, just a couple of short, but valuable interactions that provided me with a couple of epiphanies.

The first one was with Carren Smith from Quantum Leadership Group who I'm dealing with in my new job... anyhooo....

Carren simply asked me when I was expressing my conundrum about my lack of focus and enthusiasm for training, "Do you really WANT to do it?"

*crickets*

"Um....Yes?"

*crickets*

"Do you REALLY?"

Hmmmm.......

Carren then offered a suggestion. Perhaps my reasons for doing it before just don't serve me anymore and I'm trying to force a square peg in a round hole simply by trying to achieve my goals in the same manner as I have previously and for the same reasons.

Hmmmmm....

It made perfect sense. My reasons for losing weight and running up endless hills and sweating until I almost passed out and lifting weights to change myself was because I was trying to create change. My body, and my life were in the midst of an evolutionary process. My entire life was rotating and changing direction and it was scary and frightening, but exciting at the same time and the training and the sweating and the desperate need to get out of my house and RUN, was what drove me to achieve my goals. At that time.

Now?

Now I don't have anything to run from. My reasons don't fit anymore. I've been desperately trying to draw on the same forces that propelled me previously and they just don't exist anymore. So, I need to let them go with love and find some new reasons. Some new motivations and new inspiration. Its an odd feeling. I almost heard the proverbial penny drop inside my own head and it was such a relief.

A couple of days later, I had a conversation with the beautiful Liz Nelson whose help I have enlisted to get my rehabilitation, training and nutrition right. We discussed briefly the whole 'reason' thing.

And Liz suggested subtly by continually prodding me that perhaps it is the most simplest of reasons. Perhaps I want to do it just so that when I'm 80 and rocking in my chair in the nursing home I can sit and smile at myself knowing that I did everything I ever wanted to do and that I reached the potential that I was capable of reaching.

And there you have it. I don't need to prove anything. I don't need to run from anything. I don't need to avoid myself, my emotions, my life.

I don't need to make it all so friggin complicated !!

Do you see the pattern here? How many times have I written about the fact that I make life too bloody hard. Over analyze, over calculate, over compensate.

My reasons for getting up and riding at 5am and running 7km up hill and swimming, and rehab and gym and clean eating..... is to simply have no regrets.

I can't think of a better reason.

Moving Right Along

2011-01-20T21:55:00.000+10:00

So, I'm over my little trip on resentment. Somehow writing the post and reflecting on it a little, I've managed to free myself a little bit from it. Noice. See..... awareness DOES heal !!

I'm actually feeling OK with me right now.

So far 2011 has brought to me some congruent events and situations. Things that have really been in alignment with me and where I'm going and what I need to hear.

People are presenting themselves in perfect order, not only for my own healing, but for theirs as well (I hope).

I'm beginning to feel a sense of balance. Some amazing opportunities have (it would seem) dropped into my lap. Work is now going to provide a fabulous amount of fulfilment for me. I currently have two jobs, both of which I do from home which means I can be more of the Mother I should have been to my kids for the past 14 years.

I've met some people who without even knowing it, have shown me a different perspective on things and I'm humbled by my own ability to finally say with honesty and humility that "its not all about me".

No. Really. Its NOT.

Go figure.

Resentment

2011-01-14T07:06:00.000+10:00

Here's an interesting one.

Resentment. Its like a festering ball of bitterness that starts in the pit of your stomach.

We all make choices right? So where we are is the cumulative result of the choices we have previously made. And thats a pretty damn good awareness to have. Its useful, because it prevents one from blaming the rest of the world for their own situations.

However, sometimes the awareness just isn't enough. Sometimes the resentment festers anyway. I believe it causes acidity in the body on a physical level, hence the term "bitter and twisted".

It destroys the soul and has an affect on ones health long term.

It can cause weight gain and diseases such as cancer and liver disease. Ever heard the term "shit on the liver"? Well, there you go....

I've had shit on my liver for a long time. Sometimes I think I clear it, but its still there, lurking.

And as much as I know that its there because of my own choices and my own doing.... I still have resentment to other people.

I grew up in a home where the air was thick with the poison of resentment and bitterness. You could smell it. It oozed from my Mothers pores and the toxic stench hit me in the pit of my stomach from an early age. I of course, being just a child thought that it was my fault. That somehow I wasn't good enough to make her smile.

When I walked into a room, I felt like I shouldn't have.

I don't want to live like she did. I don't want to blame others for how I feel. But I don't want to run away from situations to avoid the feelings either.

I have always had what would appear to be the simplist of goals in life. Its a goal I set for myself at about the age of 15. I simply want to be the best human being that I am capable of being.

Sounds so simple. But it really is the longest most challenge goal I think I have ever undertaken.

Transparency

2011-01-14T06:42:00.000+10:00

I happen to think I'm pretty transparent. A little too transparent actually.

I'm so friggin wide open that there's not much left to the imagination in regards to what I'm thinking.

I think outloud and even if I didn't, the animation on my face pretty much gives away even the slightest thought. I have this eyebrow thing. Left one mainly. It involuntarily twitches and at times, it can even hit the ceiling before I've had a chance to control the thought that enticed it.

I hate that I am so transparent, because it leaves me at a disadvantage A LOT. There is absolutely no mystery about me at all, people generally get to know me before I get to know them. And there you have the balance of power that has plagued me for years.

See, I think mysterious is sexy.

I'm clumsy, I trip over myself constantly, I use words to fill in space like a jibbering idiot, I don't think before I speak. And I'm starting to realise that it gives people a little bit of an advantage over me.

Its such a game.

*sigh*

New Year, New Program

2011-01-10T13:30:00.000+10:00

New programs take commitment and action... oh... and accountability.

Shit....

Starting Point

2011-01-02T06:31:00.000+10:00

Weight - 66.7 kg
Body Fat - 31% (FAAAARK !!!)
Water - 48.4%
Muscle - 43.7 kg
Metabolic Age - 37

(Althought I am physically 37 years old, this time last year, my metabolic age was 25....I've metabolically aged 12 years !!!)

Ok, well at least I have a starting point :/

Dear 2010........ F*ck Off !!

2010-12-31T12:29:00.000+10:00

I guess its kind of fitting for me to do a final post for 2010.

Holy Fuck...

What. a. year.

I might just shed a quiet tear at midnight.

Or not...

Maybe I'll just be so glad its over that I won't want to reflect too much at the point. I'll be too busy looking forward to what 2011 will bring me.

2010 was the year that my life changed direction, in what seemed like an out of control steam train jumping tracks, so suddenly that I didn't know where or when it was going to stop. I held on for my life and rode the wave, almost on auto pilot as I experienced a depth of emotions I'd never experienced before in my life.

So much has happened and I'm pretty sure I've spent most of the year in a state of "trying to be resilient".

I've reflected so much on the past 12 months recently, that I'm not even sure I have much more to say here. Truth is, I'm still trying to rediscover and redefine me. But for the most part I'm pretty excited about who I'm becoming. I'm not changing, but just growing into another better version of me.

2011 is the year that I want to learn and practice patience, acceptance, contentment. I want to be more accepting of other's and of who they are. I want to learn how to place less expectation on others and to learn to trust that they will simply be themselves. And I want to learn how to just simply be me.

I want to learn what my place is within my own world and understand that others might not be in the same place as me. I want to learn how to release the grip that has come about through fears. I want to understand what those fears are and accept them.

I want to stop trying to be in control.

I want to not cry so much.

Last year my goals for the coming year were all fitness related. I still have those. I have all the events I'm entering up on my wall. I'm training for them and will focus on them when the time comes.

But what I really want for 2011 is to just be happy.

She's Done it Again......

2010-12-31T11:59:00.000+10:00

I'm pretty sure that no one ever ACTUALLY plays the songs I post. Maybe you do, maybe you don't.... but the lyrics always resonate with me and whatever is happening for me at the time, so I guess it doesn't matter whether you get it or not.... after all, its my blog right? :P

Ready. Set. Go!!

2010-12-30T21:29:00.000+10:00

Sooooo......

Had my assessment today with Liz Nelson from Last Chance Training.

Ready, Set, Go !!!

In a weeks time I will have a new program, a new direction and a shit load of work to do to get my stabilising muscles sorted to prevent the ridiculous amount of pain and performance restriction I've endured over the last 6 months.

Its no secret that I've had A LOT of shit to deal with recently. And quite frankly, my injuries on top of that was enough to almost tip me over to the "I'm done, I'm giving up, this life of fitness and triathlon is all too hard".

In fact, I was about to give up on a lot of things. But fuck that. I'm not going to roll over and die. I've cried a trillion friggen tears and I've spiralled ever so slowly into a world of melancholy. I've squeezed the life out of relationships, I've tested friendships, I've screamed at my kids, I've put on weight, and all the while I felt sorry for myself.

I've always picked myself up and dusted myself off and thats precisely what I'm going to do again.

I'm learning a lot about myself still. But one of the most important things that I've learnt is that I was at my happiest when I was training and feeling fit and strong.

I went for a ride on my own yesterday. I haven't done that for quite sometime because I've quite honestly lacked the motivation. It was actually quite an emotional ride. The head wind down Nicklin way saw me struggling to push over 22km per hour, despite my average speed along there usually being around 29 km/hr. Not only was it windy, but it was raining and despite the fact that it was the 29th DECEMBER!!! ~ It was quite cold.

But one thing the rain did was hide from the world around me that I was actually crying my eyes out. Literally sobbing on the bike, until I lost concentration and nearly collided with a car... then I pulled myself together and carried on with the job at hand. And with the tale wind behind me on the way back, I flew back at 35km/hr.

I'm still working on a lot of things. But thanks to Liz, I can see a little bit of a pathway being laied out in front of me. Which is a hell of a lot better than the muddied, windy, ever changing road I've travelled lately.

Rome wasn't built in a day, but it was eventually finished.

I'm not giving up.

Perfectly Said...

2010-12-26T18:19:00.000+10:00

I have to share this post with you from Krittabug because it resonated with me so perfectly....

"Because I'm worth it, that's all

I've always been under the impression that one of the most painful things in life is losing someone you love and value. But recently, I've realised that's not true. The most painful thing in life is losing yourself in the process of valuing someone else too much...."

Thanks Krista xox

Igniting the Light

2010-12-26T16:35:00.000+10:00

Seriously, I think I've finally commenced a U-Turn.

Finally.

Its been a combination of subtle and non subtle events I think that have lead me into a different energy around how I treat myself and what I allow for myself. And the shift has only really happened I think in the last 48 hours. I wasn't being true to myself. All in order to prevent feeling 'something'.... rejection? unworthiness?

And then I felt it, and it hurt. Fuck, did it hurt. And I chucked the hissy fit of all hissy fits because I didn't want to feel what I've been trying to avoid for friggin ages. And I felt it, and guess what? No one died. And if anything, I grew. And I realised that even if I do feel the shit that I don't want to feel, I will still be OK, and the sun will still come up tomorrow and perhaps there are other opportunities that I haven't even seen because I've been too consumed with grasping at straws to avoid feeling stuff.

I generally surround myself with people who are caring, kind and considerate. Most, if not all of my friends think outside of themselves and I often see displays of people putting others before themselves. Its a very noble act. But I also have a tremendous amount of respect for people who honour themselves. Its tough to do sometimes, because the general perception can be selfishness. But in fact, by honouring yourself and what you want can provide others with the freedom to do the same. Sometimes people might tell a white lie or a half truth in order to protect someone from hurt. And sometimes they are hurting them more by not being honest. Sometimes people can provide false hope in an attempt to not be the one to cause pain. But that's unfair.

I came to the realisation that I wasn't going to get what I want. I've waited, not always patiently I must admit. And I've experienced a great deal of anxiety over wanting an outcome. I've put ridiculous amount of energy into trying to make something happen in a way that I wanted it to.

And it didn't work.

And strangely, although I feel very defeated and disappointed, I also feel a sense of peace in finally realising the need for letting go of it. Bit by bit.... piece by piece, I've started to let go. Each time I fell on my face, I became a little (ever so slightly) detached from the outcome.

Now, I give up. I'm not fighting for it anymore. I don't even really want it anymore. Its not what I thought it was. I don't know who the winner is, but its not me. Or maybe it is and I just haven't realised it yet. Its not that I'm quitting. I just know its not realistic. And its provided a tremendous amount of relief and freedom to allow me to really focus on what is right for ME.

Every experience is a worth while part of my journey because the road of life can only reveal itself as it is travelled.

I'm really liking who I am at the moment. The strong, confident, independent woman that I want to be is finally in my sights. I'm both sad and excited about leaving things behind and looking forward to take on the world and own it. I want to ignite the light and let it shine....

Its all a matter of perspective

2010-12-25T21:53:00.000+10:00

So, I've been whinging about how much weight I've put on right......

And feeling...bleh....

So my beautiful friend Denise pulled this pearler out from early 2009 (Pretty sure I was 10kilos down at this stage)

But I'm happy that 67 kgs is now my 'uncomfortable' weight, instead of 90 kgs. Because I've learnt now how to take action instead of self distruct. :)

Irony

2010-12-24T21:02:00.000+10:00

How Ironic is this.....

Its Christmas Eve.

I'm at my 'old' house where my ex husband currently still resides.

Our two youngest children are asleep.

I am sitting at the dining table with my laptop...... facebooking.

Steve is sitting in the loungeroom with his laptop...... facebooking.

But for the most part, we are getting along just fine. :/

Reflection....

2010-12-22T22:25:00.000+10:00

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” ~ Thomas Merton

I really love the above quote.

Read it again... Think about the words and what they mean. Then apply to your own relationships....

huh? Do you see ???

I had an interesting day today.

Weighed myself - 67 kg

Then I toddled off to my PT session with Adam. We did my numbers

Not great.

Anyhoooo.... I asked Adam to send me my results so I could have a good look at them.

Suck.

Then he also asked me to make some notes on what I was doing when the results were good. And what have I been doing lately that has reflected the current results.

It made me think about where I've been and the journey I've been on. So, I have been spending the last hour going back through my blog and trying to remember where I was at and what was happening for me when things were going great.

Wow. My blog is such a different read now than what it was a year ago. The whole feeling and energy behind my posts THEN compared to NOW is..... different. I write differently. It doesn't seem to flow as well, and there is a little skip in my step that seems to be missing.

A year ago, I still had my challenges, but even when I was writing about them there was an energy of positivity. I used my training to get me through the tough times and I didn't very often stray from my goals despite what was going on around me.

Its no secret that particularly the past 9 months (and infact the past 2 years) have probably been the most confronting, challenging and soul destroying I've ever experienced. In contrast to that, I've also experienced a tremendous amount of "character building". But when I read my old posts and think about how I felt then and then come back to how I feel now, it seems that there is a massive hole. Something is missing. Or at the very least I've become a little less light and a lot more angry and disappointed with life in general.

There are days when I think that I've just totally fucked my life up. Where did it go wrong? I used to have a nice home that I was proud of. It reflected my personality and I was happy.... or so I thought. I had my husband, my partner for life. We were happy (I thought). We had our 3 children, mortgage, 2 cars and we lived a modest life and we worked hard. Then I started to discover things outside of that perfect picket fence life and I started to see contrast. I started to question whether I was really happy or was I just grateful? Is this really the life I wanted or was it actually the life I believed I was supposed to have. Is this as good as it gets??

I mean obviously there was something that wasn't quite happening for me, or else I wouldn't have ballooned to 90kg.

I feel a little bit sad... The changes in my life came about because I wanted change. So I got change. But I'm far from happy. There is still the sadness in my eyes that was there a couple of months ago. I thought it was going, but its actually not. I thought I was moving on, but I don't really think I am. I'm feeling a bit like "you made your bed, now you have to lie in it".

Don't get me wrong, there were very real reasons why my marriage broke down. And despite the events that took place, its not entirely my doing. It takes two people to make a marriage work, and if both aren't working at it then the pathway leads to unhappiness and destruction.

But do I regret leaving? No I don't think so. I regret that it didn't work. I regret that my kids now come from a broken home. I regret that I will probably spend the next 10 years of my life renting after working my arse off for 10 years to build a life. I regret that 5 years ago our future together seemed bright and if you had of suggested to me back then that this was going to unfold the way it did, I probably would have laughed in your face.

I regret that in my attempt to find myself I allowed myself to be vulnerable. I regret that I've been selfish and I regret that I made life all about me. I regret that I became such a total selfish, self centred, self absorbed, self serving bitch who put my own needs before my family, before my kids. I regret that in a quest to change my life, and discover who I was I steam rolled over the top of everyone I loved to get it. I regret that I didn't have the support or the encouragement to do it any other way. I regret that in order to achieve my goals, I had to turn my back on the people who were supposed to support me. I regret that they weren't there for me.

Somedays I absolutely love my independence. Somedays I know exactly why I left and why it was the right choice for me. Somedays my smile is beaming and I think I see the sparkle in my eye again, but sometimes I feel like it was all a little misguided. Perhaps I could have made some different choices. But at the end of the day, it is what it is.

I have realised today that although I thought I was making progress, I've actually been slowly declining in my resolve. Slowly I've been feeling deflated, disappointed, disillusioned.... but its been a subtle decline that has actually been hiding under a veil of illusion. And its being reflected in the fact that I've slowly started to put on weight. I don't have the fire in my belly about my training at the moment. I do it because its apparently what I do, and because there are so many pairs of eyes on me that I'd better pull my finger out or else. Not really the right reasons to be doing it.

So whats the answer? Well the answer is most certainly NOT to give up. If I went back to being overweight, I'd be exactly where I was before this started, only this time I'd be without everything I gave up to be here. So the answer is to find that part of me that was so hungry to change my life. The part of me that wanted more for myself. Not to look good or to be noticed, but to feel good. To like myself again.

I want to stop feeling foolish. I want to stop feeling regret. I want to stop wanting something that realistically is out of my reach. I want to stop living in hope for more than I currently have. I want to fulfill my own life with the love of the people around me without wanting more from anyone or anything. And I think I'm actually starting to not want what I thought I wanted, or at the very least I'm redefining it. Yes, definitely redefining it.

I want to stop feeling disappointed. I want to stop feeling angry and hurt. I want to loosen my grip. I want to stop trying to control it. I want to stop blaming myself.

I want to let go....

Welcome to My Silly Life....

2010-12-21T18:11:00.000+10:00

"Why DO I do that???"

Sometimes you just have to know when to give up.

2010-12-20T21:08:00.000+10:00

I came to the realisation today that I wasn't going to get what I want.

I've waited, not always patiently I must admit. And I've experienced a great deal of anxiety over wanting an outcome. I've put ridiculous amount of energy into trying to make something happen in a way that I wanted it to.

And it didn't work.

And strangely, although I feel very defeated by myself, I also feel a sense of peace in finally realising the need for letting go of it.

Bit by bit.... piece by piece, I've started to let go. Each time I fell on my face, I became a little (ever so slightly) detached from the outcome.

Now, I give up. I'm not fighting for it anymore.

I don't know who the winner is, but its not me. Or maybe it is and I just haven't realised it yet.

Its not that I'm quitting.

I just know its not reachable anymore. And I'm trying to not feel foolish for believing in something that wasn't as real as I thought it was.

2010-12-20T14:18:00.000+10:00

Disappointment is my own doing.

2010-12-20T08:06:00.000+10:00

“The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be – and when they’re not, we cry.” ~ Benjamin Spock

Aint it True?

Its not people who let us down....Its our expectations of them.

So in essence, we actually let ourselves down...

Care Factor Falling Towards ZERO

2010-12-19T21:59:00.000+10:00

I just don't seem to care so much anymore.... seriously.

I'm wasting less and less energy.... caring about it. (and its a good thing)

I believe its called "moving on"

That is all.

2010-12-17T22:18:00.000+10:00

Dear Universe..... Fuck Off.

** just for today... tomorrow I'll love you again when I consciously change perspective

2010-12-16T15:57:00.000+10:00

I hope Craig Harper won't mind, I've cut and pasted his latest post because I think EVERYONE should read it. If you haven't already, take a trip over to Craigs website for even more shoves with love.

Oh, and if you haven't already heard Goal Power will be bringing Craig to the Sunshine Coast for a one day workshop. Details will be on Craigs website soon. I can't WAIT !!

A few simple but powerful truths for you to chew on today…

1. Life’s not fair. Neither is it unfair. Life is life. It happens to you, around you and despite you. And, in the middle of it all, you get to choose and construct your own reality. We all do. Life is not about fate, destiny or chance – it’s about decisions, courage, resilience, passion and commitment. Destiny is the refuge of the weak and uncommitted. Spend less time wondering about fairness and more time doing what success demands.

2. Most people waste their talent. Until your desire to succeed is stronger than your desire to be safe and comfortable, you will continue to waste your potential. Stop over-thinking, stop procrastinating, stop bullshitting and stop accepting mediocre when you’re capable of amazing.

3. Everyone lies. Everyone! The average person lies three times in a typical ten-minute conversation. That’s the average person, not the chronic fibber! If you really want to know someone, ignore what they say and watch what they do. Ninety-three percent of communication is non-verbal so it makes sense to say that people’s behaviour will tell you much more than their words. Be extra careful of people who say they never lie.

4. People don’t accidentally get fat. Excluding the small percentage of people who have a medical or genetic issue which predisposes them to obesity, the vast majority of overweight people got there via their decisions and behaviours. Nobody accidentally eats chocolate, cake, burgers or fries. Nobody accidentally avoids exercise. It’s all a choice. By the way, getting pissed at me for being honest won’t help you lose weight.

5. Opportunity doesn’t knock. Why wait for something that might never eventuate when you can create opportunities every day of your life? Your supply of opportunities is only limited by your curiosity, creativity, courage and drive.

6. Change is painful. Pain can be transformational, educational and empowering. When we make it that. Adversity can be life-destroying or life-enhancing. If it was easy to create an incredible life, everybody would do it. It isn’t and they don’t. If you’re serious about a better life then don’t do what’s easy, do what’s necessary.

7. Not everyone will like you. If anyone knows this, it’s me. If I worried about everyone who criticised me or didn’t like me, I’d never write another article and I’d never sleep. The (desperate) need to be liked is extremely unhealthy and a denial of your personal power. If your happiness is dependent on universal approval, you will never be happy. Invest your emotional energy into the things you can control. The only approval you need is yours.

8. Things don’t sort themselves out. Good grief. Some people will spend forever waiting for things to sort themselves out. We call that wasting a life. And delusional thinking. The sorting is up to you. As I’ve said many times “life doesn’t get better, you do”.

9. You’re probably not gonna win the lotto. As a rule, financial success won’t fall on your head from a great height. If you want to be rich, you might have to earn it yourself. Or marry it. Personally, I’d suggest option A.

10. Some people want you to fail. And some people will resent your success. For a range of complex reasons that I don’t have time to explore now, some people will celebrate your demise. Don’t buy into their negative crap.

11. People will only treat you the way you let them. Everything you say and don’t say, do and don’t do is sending a message to the people in your world. When you allow people to treat you badly, you’re saying that kind of behaviour is acceptable. It’s nice to be nice but it’s not nice to be a doormat. Nobody is better than you. Nobody is more important than you. Behave accordingly and don’t give away your power.

12. You’re the problem. And the solution. The only person who can really make your life a success or failure is you. Of course crap will happen to you andaround you but in the middle of all that crap, the key is what you learn, what you choose and what you do. You’re the architect of your life and the captain of your ship – the SS You. Don’t wait to be rescued and don’t rely on other people to get you there. Wherever there is. You’re good enough, smart enough and sexy enough.

PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT THIS POST WAS WRITTEN BY CRAIG HARPER AND CAN BE FOUND ON HIS WEBSITE.

2010-12-15T19:30:00.000+10:00

2010, The Year I......

2010-12-15T18:08:00.000+10:00

Thanks Vicki for the idea to do this post. Fan-bloody-tastic idea.

So....

2010 was the year I.....

..... Ended my marriage

...... Questioned who the fuck I am

...... Lost myself

...... Found myself

....... felt my heart break

........ watched my kids hearts break

....... hardened the fuck up

....... lost myself again

....... hardened the fuck up some more

....... decided that no one was ever going to have all of me ever again

....... realised that I am OK, and how to laugh at myself a bit more and to not take life so seriously.

....... completed my first Olympic Distance Triathlon

....... made some amazing friends

...... realised that I have so many things to be g

2010-12-13T08:51:00.000+10:00

66.7 kg

OK, I've really loved becoming accustomed to the single life.

I've caught up with old friends.

I've stayed in a backpacker hostel.

I've had quite a few hangovers.

I've eaten food I haven't eaten in two years.

I've danced like there was no tomorrow.

I've sung to tunes at the top of my lungs and

I've stayed up REALLY late..... a lot.

I've found some independence, gained some confidence in being on my own.

But I'm done with it.

I'm 66.7 kg as of this morning.

I did run a PB yesterday on the run leg of a mini tri. So all is not lost. Obviously I'm still training and still looking into the future and my long term goals.

But as for right now.... partying?

I'm done.

I quite honestly have had enough.

I want my health back. I want my body back.

Gaining Independence.... and growing up (kinda)

2010-12-11T14:08:00.000+10:00

Reality Check

2010-12-05T20:05:00.000+10:00

Ok, so I wore the dress.

Then I saw the photos.

Now I wish I hadn't (worn the dress).

Reality Check....

But the good news is that I have a plan. Or at least I will have a plan very soon. I've enlisted the help of Liz to help me to develop a training and nutrition program to take my fitness up a notch. Liz is going to help get my body ready for Mooloolaba Triathlon in March. The plan is to get my weight down to 58kg for race day, strengthen my weaknesses and correct my injuries. As well as give me a further understanding of nutrition for endurance training.

I can't WAIT !!

I'm off to see Liz on Friday again for another flogging in spin class and assessment.

I'm going to learn how to effectively manage my Sacroiliac Joint and my Scapulae instability. So instead of going backwards because of injuries, I'll be able to me move forwards.

My health and fitness will start moving in the right direction again... finally.

And apart from improving my weakness and getting faster and stronger.... I'll be able to wear that dress and feel fabulous again :D

And who knows... maybe my damn hair will start growing back again too.

Post Update - you know thining about it.... I think the underwear I chose to wear UNDER the dress is what made it ALL WRONG.... seriously, look at where those nanny knickers (well, it was technically a nanny g string) cut my torso in half !!

2010-12-03T19:42:00.000+10:00

“Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.” ~ author unknown

I really am very lucky.

I have an over flow of amazing people in my life, and it continues to grow and grow.

I'm never short of company, never short of someone to have coffee with.

And I'm here to tell you that if I had never started my weight loss journey on 12th January 2009, I would not have met 90% of them.

Seriously.

I lost 30kg in 2009 but what I gained is difficult to even put into words. Through my journey I have met some of the coolest people on the planet. Way too many to even start to list, but almost everyone who is in my life contributes to it with value, insight, wisdom, love and so much more....

The networks that I have developed, the support, the kindness, the understanding, the encouragement have all helped me tremendously through the rough times that myself and my family have endured during 2010.

It truly has been the most challenging, trying, thought provoking, vulnerable, humbling year I've ever had.

Today I just want to say thank you. To ALL of you. Everyone who touches my world.

With so many wonderful people around me, how could I ever be alone? Its not possible. Here we have one of my biggest fears - Being alone. I was so tied up in that fear that I didn't even see the abundance of friendships I already had around me.

How could I ever depend on one single person to fill my world when I have so many bright shining lights around me to provide warmth, kindness, laughs and love.

What started with an 12 week IBO program has become a catalyst for the most monumental change a human being could ever hope for. When I joined IBO, all I wanted was to no longer weigh 90 kg and to no longer be miserable.

The connections I have made through that program and the results I achieved are mind blowing. And it has led me to explore my potential by branching out into new ventures for my health and fitness.

Not to mention the amazing opportunity of working with Goal Power as a one on one coach and up and coming Personal Trainer. I'm working in an industry that I love helping women just like me to recognise their potential and to find their courage to create and embrace change in their lives.

As I lost weight and discovered my potential as an athlete and as an individual, I gained an insurmountable portion of confidence, self esteem, self belief and resilience. It brings me to tears now just thinking about how far I've come and how much I have achieved. Before hand, I had very little belief in myself as a woman and a mother. I wrote myself off as never being good enough for the life I really wanted, and so I settled for a life that was less than I was capable of.

Its been at a price. People around me have suffered as I made certain choices along the way, and its been incredibly painful at times to look myself in the eye, the very core of me and discover that there were parts of me that I didn't like. Parts of me that I never knew existed but that I now accept as part of my human-ness.

Its been a long and tremendous journey. One that at times I wished I'd never started.

But right now, in this moment I have clarity. I can fully recognise, understand and appreciate my good fortune. I am rich beyond all riches. I have people who love and care about me. People who care what happens to me and who pick me up when I fall over.

Thank you to every single person who has touched my life. You all have contributed to the person I now am, and I can now honestly say that I believe in the person that stares back at me in the mirror every day.

She is amazing and she is me.

NOT. HAPPY. JAN !!!

2010-12-02T20:51:00.000+10:00

I have to blog

I'm a little distressed.

So, I'm going to a 'Black and Bling' night on Saturday night right? right.

I knew EXACTLY what I was gonna wear. Slinky black dress as per my pic below...

Note how you CAN'T see a protruding stomache? Note how the dress DOESN'T cling to any LUMPS !!!!!!!

WELL. NOW. IT. DOES !!!!

*CRIES*

Note the shapely arms..........GONE !!!

*CRIES SOME MORE*

NOT. HAPPY. JAN.

Oh sure, I have another dress to wear, but thats not the point is it???? The point is that I'm almost 6 kilos heavier than I was before. Only 6 kilos you say??? Well don't let that fool you, because muscle is WAY down and body fat percentage is a friggin JOKE !!

*SIGH*

The good news however is that this week I have done :

Tues - Boot Camp (until I felt sick)

Wed - PT (worked my back HARD)

Wed - Boxing class

Thurs - Boxing class (until I dry reached)

Fri - will be doing Liz's spin class (And I'm told I may well vomit on that one)

Sat - will be full transition tri training (full run through of a mini tri)

So, if I haven't burnt a few million calories this week, you may as well SHOOT ME !!!

That is all.

PS - there's apparently gonna be male topless waiters..... *sigh* (I'll be the one hiding in the corner behind my cocktail.

PPSS - I'm not eating for the next 24 hours.... **

**thats just a joke by the way, I don't advocate NOT eating as you all well know xx

Holy SHIT !!!

2010-11-29T09:23:00.000+10:00

65.3 kilos....

This will just not do.....

Everything is getting hard.

Training hurts, its hard at the moment because I've lost a tremendous amount of strength and fitness. Not just since Noosa. No, no no.... this downward trend has been happening for about 4 months now.

And if I'm not careful, the next time I get on my scales I'll be 70kilos and I won't be able to run up the stairs, let alone run 10 km's....

I'm not even game to see what my body fat % is.

Keeping it Simple - Day 1

2010-11-25T13:49:00.000+10:00

Today, I rode my bike.

And had the best conversation with someone special, that made me smile for the rest of the day.

Simple.

Hey!!?? See.... simple is gooooood. :)

Hows this....

2010-11-24T16:54:00.000+10:00

So I just finished my post below about how grateful I am to have such awesome people in my life... and I open the mail to find this :

With it came a beautiful message about friendship.

Thank you Alena xox

Keep it Simple

2010-11-24T14:01:00.000+10:00

Gawd.....

It so sucks to be me sometimes.

I can't imagine what its like for the people around me. And particularly for you guys out there in blogland trying to follow this crazy mixed up journey of mine. I'm all over the friggin place. In a feeble attempt to move forward in life I declare a course of action..... and then.....

I change direction quicker than I change my underwear. I feel like an ant that has had the follow-the-leader line broken and is frantically running round trying to find its place in line again.

I'm changing my blog, I'm not changing my blog.

I'm training for endurance, I'm not training for endurance.

I'm on plan, I'm off plan

I'm happy, I'm fucking miserable.

I'm doing a body sculpting program.... um... no I'm not.

YOU. Yes YOU... You're out of my life.... Um.. I'm sorry I didn't mean it.

I keep trying to take action to 'fix' my shit. But it doesn't matter how many external things I try to change, the confusion and lack of insight still exists in my head.

AAARRRGGGGHHHHH !!!!!!!!!

Talk about needing a team leader (that ones for you Tez)

I feel like I'm constantly grasping at straws. Trying to find where I belong, where I fit, what feels right, what feels comfortable. I haven't been outside of a partnership (relationship) for over 10 years. I've been the other half of something for that long. Now, that person doesn't like me very much because I've caused them a considerable amount of heartache... and so I'm so totally alone that its down right fucking freaking me out.

Apparently I need to simplify my life.... Apparently, I take it all way too seriously and I need to keep things simple.

Its not new.

I've actually been getting told this since I was young.

Apparently I have a habit of over thinking EVERYTHING !

I spoke to my PT this morning. Adam has seen me through almost my entire weight loss journey. He has seen me at my fittest. He has coached me in my strength. We talk about life and philosophical stuff. He has seen me get excited about my goals. He has seen me steadfast in my determination. He has seen me lose my shit on his treadmill (and just up'd the speed...prick).

So I go to Adam this morning. Feeling like shit - AGAIN. No energy. My muscles just don't have it. My body doesn't want to do it. My head says FUCK OFF.

I've got a touch of a cold thanks to partying way to hard on Saturday night. My nutrition is still off and my focus is ever changing. How the hell am I supposed to move forward if I keep looking at all the peripherals (that ones for you, you know who you are).

So Adam said to me - "Go back to when you were at your peak. When you felt on top of the world and you were running up to Montville, beating your times, the fittest and strongest you have ever been."

Um... yeah.....

"And think about what you were doing at that time."

Um... yeah....

*blink, blink*

I was strength training (a simple program) I was running up to Montville every Sunday morning and doing a fitness class once a week.

hhmmmm.....

I see.

It was simple.

I threw the odd challenge in here and there. But basically it was a simple fitness program that had no strings attached and no pressure. Just patience, consistency and I enjoyed what I was doing.

Since then I've bought a bike, started doing triathlon, entering events right left and centre and still trying to do strength training.

Oh and lets not forget the passing of my late mother in law and the marriage breakdown in the middle of all of that.

There have been times over the last 6 months when I literally thought I was going to lose my shit totally. You know.. Breakdown type stuff. Fall so completely off my lil wagon that I would never find my way back on.

Phew..... it was close many times, believe me.

So how do I stop doing what I'm doing?

I don't know the answer and its frustrating the absolute shit out of me.

Is the answer really to create a new blog and leave this one behind? Fucks me. But isn't it all just part of the same journey? So why separate it? I was trying to leave my journey to date behind me because it was over and done with.

I hated certain people reading my stuff and being inside my head. I didn't want them to see the head fuck I'm in anymore. I feel powerless when they are inside my head when I'm not even understanding myself.

But is THAT even a reason to move blogs?

It just goes back to fear. Every single action I am taking in every single direction is based on FEAR.

I'm better and further ahead than I was a month ago. And in a month, I'll be better and further ahead again.

And then I realised something today.....

I have the BEST people around me. No, really. How lucky am I?

Look at the friendships I've made online. Hell, some of you lot have been my sounding board when I couldn't trust the people close to me. And in doing that, I've created some real friendships with some amazing people.

And then look at the people I have in my 'real' world. I have a shit load of friends. And just about every single one of them brings value to my world. Who can say that?

I have tentacles reaching to all different facets of my life and each one holds some very real and some very genuine, caring people. How have I become so wrapped up in being alone, when I have all of that right in front of me?

Wow... this post is evolving with each key stroke.

Fuck I'm good.

I need to go away and think about it some more....

Or not !!! how about I just be grateful. And shut the fuck up....

hhmmm.... :)

** Post update : I ALMOST allowed myself to be talked into joining the SCTA girls in a 12 week training block for Cairns half iron man in June..... But then I remembered my post - My mission in 2011 is to KEEP IT SIMPLE !!

Maybe I'll do the half iron man in 2012 :)

2010-11-22T08:58:00.000+10:00

I'm creating a new blog.....

This one will be put to rest.

If you would like the link, please email me at courageforlife@hotmail.com

2010-11-20T06:08:00.000+10:00

Just about to head out the door to bootcamp this drizzly Saturday morning.

The plan was a ride first, then bootcamp. But I dont much like riding in the rain and I got a text this morning "sorry, not riding this morning". Always easy to cancel when the other person does !!

So, I haven't had a chance to revamp my blog as yet.

This weekend is definitely out. Cos I'll be spending it with Miss Friday and the gang in Brisbane. It should be an awesome weekend. I intend to let my hair down and relax a bit.

Reflection.....

2010-11-18T18:01:00.000+10:00

Sometimes I think life was easier when I was fat.

Sometimes I feel like I've lost my safety layer. I was protected from so much.

Sometimes I remember why it was there.

*Don't stress - I'm not falling off the wagon... I'm just reflecting.

Stupid Hair......

2010-11-18T15:35:00.000+10:00

Thanks to the ridiculous amount of emotional stress of the past 12 months, my hair is still falling out. I've always had thin hair, and now its getting to the point where you can actually SEE scalp.

I look ridiculous.

I wash my hair and it comes out in clumps.

My desk at work is covered in it.

My bathroom vanity looks like its covered in a hairy rug.

If anyone has any magic remedy for this, I'd be greatly appreciated.

The next option is to get my lovely locks chopped off.

:(

Letting Go....

2010-11-17T21:38:00.000+10:00

to let go isn't to forget,

not to think about, or ignore.

it doesn't leave feelings of anger,

jealousy, or regret.

letting go isn't about winning or losing.

it's not about pride

and it's not about how you appear,

and it's not about obsessing or dwelling on the past.

letting go isn't blocking memories

or sinking sad thoughts,

and doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness.

it's not about giving in or giving up.

letting go isn't about loss and it's not about defeat.

to let go is to cherish the memories,

but to overcome and move on.

it is having an open mind

and confidence in the future.

letting go is learning and experiencing and growing.

to let go is to be thankful for the experiences that

made you laugh, made you cry, made you grow.

it's about all that you have, all that you had,

and all that you will soon gain.

letting go is having the courage to accept change,

and the strength to keep moving.

letting go is growing up.

it is realizing that the heart can sometimes

be the most potent remedy.

to let go is to open a door,

and to clear a path and set yourself free.

~Unknown

I'm back on a plan !!!

2010-11-16T21:44:00.000+10:00

Structure

A plan

Its good yeah?

Soooooo......

Back to clean, structured nutrition. And back to committing to a training program.

I'm following a comp prep program (without the comp at the end)

Why?

Because I want a lean, strong body without the pressure of an event or competition. I'm doing it purely for me...

Theres a few of us, we are going to organise a fashion parade for local designers and do a fundraising thing for charity.. Haven't thought about any of the details yet, but we'll work it out :)

I'm just excited to be back in the gym.. :)

And on that note, its late.... so I'm going nini xox

Evolution takes time.....

2010-11-12T07:43:00.000+10:00

Its amazing what a good run can do for the soul.

I hit the pavement this morning and I have to be honest, I struggled a bit. I didn't do any training 2 1/2 weeks before Noosa and I've done very little in the 2 weeks since. So, I'm on a little bit of a mission to get back to where I want to be with my health and fitness, especially now that I've decided to stop focusing on crap and start focusing on real tangible stuff... stuff that I can control... Stuff that will fulfill me without leaving me sitting in a hole. I'm cutting a string thats been leading me around like a stupid donkey for god knows how long.

I'm gonna change my blog.... revamp it a bit. Its gonna reflect a new me...

I'm not taking life so seriously anymore. Fuck it, its only short... I'm gonna live it.

2010-11-12T07:25:00.000+10:00

How does one remove ones heart from ones sleeve?

2010-11-12T07:02:00.000+10:00

So, I was trying to find a pic that represented sexiness.... I like this one.

Sexy, seductive, yet cute and cheeky.

2010-11-11T20:44:00.000+10:00

In regards to previous post.... On second thoughts... dont. I've got it covered... mkaybye

2010-11-10T22:15:00.000+10:00

I would like very much to not take life so seriously.

Can you actually learn how to do that?

2010-11-10T22:10:00.000+10:00

Black Eyed Peas - Meet Me Halfway

2010-11-10T20:54:00.000+10:00

Bringing Sexy Back

2010-11-08T21:17:00.000+10:00

Its time to let go of the destructive need to know that I am important in someone else's life.

How the hell did I get to that place anyway?

Screw that....

I'm ready for independence, to not have the need for someone else to tell me I'm Ok. HELLO! YES, I'm OK. I'm more than OK, I'm fucking awesome and some people, some day might even feel a little bit of regret that I'm no longer around for them to enjoy my awesome-ness (a word).

pffftt.... tough shit to them.....Yay to ME!!

Time to just get on with it. Letting go is liberating.

And to help the process, I'm setting some new goals... all of which come under the new title of Bringing Sexy Back.

Sexy ~ Its not a word, its an Attitude.

I used to be sexy for a while. I actually felt sexy for a while.

I miss it. I miss my sassy-ness (also a word). I miss the cheeky, witty, charming me.

And so.... I'm bringing sexy back.

I'll fill you in on the exciting new goals soon.

But apparently, it involves 3 girls, swimwear, fashion parades and fund raising.... Oh, and it will also involve 4 strength training sessions and about 6 cardio sessions a week, strict nutrition, focus and dedication.

Holy crap......

Noosa and what it meant....

2010-11-03T19:59:00.000+10:00

Oh My God !!! I'm addicted to Olympic Distance Triathlon !!!

I can't explain what doing that triathlon did for me, not physically. No.. because quite frankly I feel like I'm in the worst physical shape I've been in for over 12 months.

Mentally.

Only 12 months ago, the run swim run - the opening event of the Noosa Tri Festival was the biggest physical goal I'd undertaken. It was a 1.5km run/750m swim/1.5km run. At the time, it was a HUGE milestone in my journey to a better, fitter, stronger me. It was the goal I had worked all year to get to.

Now, just 12 months on, I competed in the Noosa Triathlon. One of the biggest, most prestigious events on the triathlon calendar. 1.5km ocean swim/40km bike ride/10km run.

This time last year, I was reflecting back on the previous 12 months and was totally elated with where I'd come. 2009 was my year to shine and shine I did! I achieved so much and felt like I could take on the world. It felt like I'd grown so much. I thought I'd achieved a level of personal growth that was monumental to me and my future.

But I soon realised that it was nothing compared to what I was about to experience. One thing I've learnt is that when the pendulum swings with elation in one direction, it has but one place to go, and the higher it is, the more the momentum to catapult it back in the other direction.

If I thought I'd grown in 2009, then I've become an old woman in 2010.

I look in the mirror now and I see a sadness in my eyes that was never there before. Oh, its all part of the process, and I'm patient because I know that it will end and something new will take its place. But I've become someone I never was before. I don't know if that's good or bad. I don't know, or recognise the girl I was 2 years ago. She's forever gone now. She no longer exists. And sadly, there are parts of her that I actually liked. And sometimes I wonder if those parts of her will ever come back. Or if they've been lost forever.

And so, this brings me to Noosa. There were times that I was ready to pull the pin. I just couldn't do it. It was too hard and I didn't have the mental strength to train for it, focus on it, or want it. And then 2 weeks before hand, I started to feel a little unwell. So I decided to have the week off from training, then the week beforehand, I was hit with influenza....nooooooooo!

All the thoughts I had of quitting - GONE. I just wanted to get well enough to do it. I begged and pleaded with the universe to let me be well enough. I cursed myself for wanting to quit. Because if I didn't do it, it meant I had given up. And it meant that I wasn't strong enough, mentally to have resilience to what was going on around me.

So I rested. And rested. And bloody rested.

No training for 2 weeks - nothing.

I went to Noosa on the Wednesday before the tri to do the run swim run event. I was still a little unwell but wanted to test the water to see how I was feeling.

And then rested again until Sunday.

Because of the stress of the preceding 12 months and because of my health and injuries and not training etc, I placed absolutely no pressure on myself whilst I stood on the beach with the thousand other competitors waiting for my wave start. There were no expectations except to just finish. And so I entered the water with fewer nerves than I'd ever had at any of the smaller events I'd participated in.

I won't bore you a minute by minute account of the race. But I will say that considering open water swimming has been one of my biggest fears to overcome, I was very surprised when I came out of the water having totally enjoyed every stroke of the 1.5km swim.

The ride was exhilarating (except when my chain came off). My running mount and dismount were perfection and I felt great heading into transition. The run was a bit of a different story. The old legs just don't like running after spinning pedals for 40km. And it took me a good 5km to get into a decent rhythm. But coming into the home straight with the thousands of people in the crowd cheering bought a lump to my throat as I realised that I'd done it, despite the fact that I felt weak, beaten, emotionally and physically exhausted just a week beforehand.

It restored my faith in myself. I suddenly felt stronger. Like I could make some decisions and change some situations in my life which were crippling me emotionally. I have to take control back. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling helpless, like someone else is in control, like someone else was holding my future in their hands. I was waiting on other people to make decisions. Now I have the courage to make them myself.

And now I know...

Its all good...... regardless

Time to Move !!!

2010-10-28T19:41:00.000+10:00

I'm moving.....

The excitement is almost uncontainable.

Freedom, space to just..........BREATHE.

No more trying to filter out someone else's stuff.

No more worrying about not being good enough.

No more worrying about stepping on toes.

No more anything that I don't want in my own space.

No more.....

Its kinda like a little flat under a friends house. 3 Bedrooms, kitchenette, bathroom.... its small but neat. Its only temporary, maybe 6 months.

And the best part will be having the company of an adult who actually likes me :)

I can't wait !!!

I'm ready to get my life going in some kind of direction. All this stuckness is crippling.

I'm getting fat, unhealthy, unfit and miserable to the point of dysfunction and being here has been slowly killing me. I can't wait to get settled and concentrate on my kids and my health.

The thought of moving makes me feel lighter, it breathes hope into my thoughts and I am anticipating the independence. I can feel myself less and less needing the support of others... emotionally. The whole leap of faith thing... well I've decided quite adamantly that I'm not going to depend on anyone else anymore. I'm turning myself away from the need for someone else to tell me I'm OK. How in the HELL did I place so much importance on their opinions anyway?

I'm also not going to waste my time obsessing over other peoples actions. People act the way they do to fulfill their own needs... whatever they are. I can't change peoples behaviours because I can't change their 'stuff'..... But I can decide whether or not I'm honouring myself within a relationship and then make the appropriate choices for me. And thats what I'll do from now on. And if their actions result in me walking away, then its their loss.

I'm nobody's fool. And I'm a damn good human being for anyone to have in their life, so I have to believe that others would appreciate that enough too.

So, there you go.

Onwards and Upwards.....

I'm soooooooo excited about moving. The kids are nervous, but happy with the decision and as long as I know my kids are OK, then I'm OK.

Noosa tri is this weekend.

I'll do a post about it in the next couple of days. Its a monumental event for me in many ways. It symbolises my strength and courage to step outside of my comfort zones to become the person, mother, woman I want to be. And to do it despite my adversities means more to me than you will ever know.

But I'll leave that for another post.....

xox

Leap of Faith

2010-10-25T19:18:00.000+10:00

What an absolute bloody mess I've been lately.

Seriously. This shit is hard.

Here's a tip : "don't try to act like everything is normal when you are going through a marriage break up (especially when trying to co-exist in a house with your ex spouse" ~ It doesn't work.

I've been avoiding myself like you wouldn't believe, and in doing so I've created a void that I've been merely existing in. And the worst thing about it is that I've invited those around me to live in it as well, lest they sit on the edge and watch me spiral out of reality.

I've been feeling it for months actually. I knew I was doing it, but I just didn't know how to stop. I have been so out of control, whilst seemingly totally IN control that its been downright scary. Slowly I lost grip on all the necessary, functional things around me. Slowly as the weeks went by the housework got (even more) neglected, the evening meals became regular whip ups of scrambled eggs, cheese on toast, fish and chips and in fact (And I'm not sure cos I can't even remember) I don't think I even ate any of them.....

If you asked me how my nutrition has been I'd say I have no idea. I'm not really sure. I really don't know. I've totally lost the plot. I've tried to train, but I'm not even sure that I got much of that right over the last couple of months. I don't think I did. I honestly don't remember. I felt exhausted ALL the time. I felt emotionally unavailable for my children, I felt tired and achy, moody, cranky, teary.... ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I didn't give my all to my jobs, my clients... no one got the best of me, least of all ME.

And then, the unthinkable - My body has finally said STOP !

This weekend I got hit with the worst case of influenza I've had in many years. I was flat on my back, horizontal for days. Unable to do a god damn thing. Heavy sweats, aching body all over from the inside out and when eventually the fever broke, I was left with lungs full of mucous and an inability to breathe properly.

All of this just one week out from Noosa Triathlon. The one event that has been messing with my head for the past 3 months. No, no no no no !!! I have to do NOOSA !! I can't NOT do it. If I don't do Noosa, I've failed.... I have to achieve something new, something bigger than I have before, because that's what I fucking do ! If I'm not challenging myself to achieve something new, then I'm nothing. (Over dramatic, I know, but such is the human mind)

It seems grossly unfair. I fully intend on slowing down after Noosa. I know that in an attempt to avoid my life, I've been focusing on and placing far too much importance on my training, and I know that perhaps in doing so my children and others close to me have not received the best part of me which they deserve. I know I've not been taking care of myself or doing what's been required of me.

Paradoxically, most people have only seen the steal look of determination as I set forth to prove that no amount of fucked up'ed-ness (shut up, its a word) was going to stop me from achieving my goals, whilst very few were witness to the secret demise of a well balanced individual to whom others looked up to. I have quite literally been a fucking mess on the inside. Gripped with fears of all kinds. Unnecessary worries about not being good enough, not being loved, being a fake, a failure, a hypocrite. Fears of being insignificant, annoying, intolerable. Fears of being alone, broke. Fears of being left alone with myself.

But then I had no choice but to be alone with myself in my bed, in my room.... just me and my own company. Too sick to get up and go find something else to do to avoid myself.

And it was the mere idea that Noosa may well be taken away from me at this point that has made me stop and think about all of this properly. Instead of having a vague awareness of what I've truly been doing, I have actually acknowledged it.... in a pool of tears, snot and coughing fits.

In order to for me to move forward in any way, I have to take a leap of faith. Jump from the edge of the abyss sort of speak. I've known this for a very long time, and I've even posted about the concept of 'taking off the training wheels' etc, but I've never fully done it. I've never let go totally from the need to depend on someone or something else. I've stood at the edge many many times, and almost let go. But just as I'm about to leap, I become gripped with fear and I reach for what I know, familiarity, where I know I'm loved.

Trouble is lately, when I've turned around to hold on, the person I've been holding onto all this time isn't readily available anymore. And I'm left standing, naked, vulnerable at the edge of the abyss with no one to hold me and no one to steady me.

But its OK, its not really their job. They weren't put on this earth in order to follow me around and make me feel better about who I am. I borrowed their courage and belief for a long time, but its time to give it back.

I'm not going to proclaim that I'm about to jump, cos in all honesty, I'm probably not... just yet. I'm simply getting a new level of awareness....... thats all.

Baby steps. :)